Remember back in the old days when our cars were the Altimater and Trina the Tribute? Well, we don’t have either of those anymore. And surprisingly, the Tribute had a more exciting exit plan than the Alitmater.
It started back in February when we received a letter from Mazda. I’ll summarize it for you:
Dear beloved Mazda owner,
FYI- your car might blow up. Don't worry though, we will fix it. Just not right now. We don’t have the parts yet. We will send you another letter when we are ready. Until then, don’t park near your house because you wouldn’t want that to catch on fire too. We will never have the parts for that. Thanks!
Well, our car didn’t make it until the second letter came:
For LB the saddest tragedy of all was that she had just stopped at Sonic to get a Route 44 Diet Coke that she was never able to drink. There it lays, helplessly on the pavement, its innards mingled with engine fluid, liquefied carburetor, and the water used to extinguish the flames. In one respect, it was a wonderful way for a diet coke to go out...to be taken away by the water used to quench the inferno that parched our car the same way it has on so many occasions quenched the thirst that has parched our throats. Very meta. It truly did go down in a blaze of glory.
Our car catching on fire was postshadowing. (PS. I made that word up because I don’t know what the antonym of foreshadowing is.) At least one day a week for the previous 3 weeks, I got stuck in traffic on the way home from work due to a car catching on fire. By the third week, I was thinking “how does that even happen, how does your car catch on fire? If you’re not in the mob, I mean?” Because being stuck in traffic due to a burning car is decidedly less exciting than it sounds. Turns out it is A LOT less exciting when it is your car.
In very related news, we now have a minivan. I was tempted to call it a swagger wagon, but I don’t think it is cool to say swagger anymore. I’ve heard Lee Corso say it too many times. And we all know driving a minivan is the epitome of cool. Just yesterday I pulled up to a red light where some teenage hooligans were listening to their rap music too loudly, so I leaned down and cranked up the Veggie Tales. You ain’t crampin’ my style, homeboy.
In conclusion, if you drive a Mazda Tribute, always remember to park near someone’s house you don’t like. And read this, it will probably come in handy soon.
What is the most dramatic way you have lost a car? When I say lost, I mean totaled. Not forgetting which floor of the parking deck you were on.