Halloween Special Survival Guide: Vampire Attacks

This post is from a couple years ago. I’m reposting it today because it is topical and I care about your safety. And also because I am lazy. But seriously, please don’t get killed by a vampire this weekend. That would mean you were dead and I would have one less reader. Both of those are bad.

I never heard back from anyone on my survival guide for catching on fire, so I’m assuming no one has had to use it yet. Or it didn’t work. I doubt that it didn’t work though, I’ve had a lot of experience with fire throughout my life. I’ve participated in several bottle rocket fights and when I was younger I liked to burn milk jugs and paper plates for fun. So, the Fire Survival Guide might as well have been stamped by a notary public.

However, this guide is based more on theory than fact. I have personally never been attacked by a vampire. Unless you count the Twilight series. I don’t. But given the fact that vampires are popping up everywhere, I thought it might be smart to prepare a guide in case of an attack.

Before I really thought about it, I used to think I would just tell the attacking vampire that I had a highly infectious, seriously debilitating disease, so my blood was tainted and super contagious. Rookie mistake. That would never work. Vampires are already dead, so they are not threatened by swine flu blood. Wait, are vampires dead? I know zombies are, but I’m not sure about vampires. Ok, I just googled it, vampires are dead. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to get to the guide.

-Always carry a water gun filled with holy water with an attached wooden stake bayonet shaped like a crucifix laced in garlic. I had to get this one out of the way first.

-Wear turtle necks 24/7. Or, if it’s hot outside, a dickie will work. Really, anything that obstructs easy access to your neck will work. People may laugh at you, but when they are all vampires and you’re not, you’ll get the last laugh. Sort of like Noah.

-Say that you are ¼ Asian. I have never seen an Asian vampire so obviously vampires are scared of Asians. If you are Asian, just say “Boo!”

-Mention Tom Cruise. Vampires everywhere are still embarrassed at his turn in Interview with a Vampire and all the Scientology stuff. They don’t get it either. Inevitably, they will get all defensive and distracted. Try to find your chance to run into some sunlight. If it is nighttime, slip on your emergency dickie.

-If the vampire that is attacking you is The Count from Sesame Street your chances of survival are much greater than if it was, say, the vampire from Blade. Just point out that there is an excessive amount of ceiling tiles and as he’s counting them, make your get away.

-If you are in an episode of Scooby-Doo, just grab the vampires face and pull. Don't worry, it is a mask. It's really the disgruntled man you met 5 minutes into the episode and he will call you meddlesome. But in the end, you will be safe.

-I saw the movie Underworld, so I know vampires and werewolves DO NOT like each other. Say something demeaning about werewolves, like “Don’t all werewolves look the same? I can never tell them apart.” or “I wonder how many werewolf fans actually attended the university?” This should build camaraderie between you and the vampire and maybe he will spare you.

In the event of an attack, I hope these help. If they do, you don't have to thank me or anything, just pay it forward. Everyone be safe this weekend and I truly hope no one has to use this guide. If you want to be extra cautious, which is never really a bad thing, fill a squirt bottle with holy water and spritz everyone within a ten foot radius. You will be defending yourself and blessing everyone at the same time. A true Hall-o-win-win....wow, that was bad.



The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: I dont have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Art time with Ada.

LB meets with a group of women from church every Thursday night, so it's usually just the kids and me on those nights. Last week, after John went down Ada and I were hanging out watching a little Dora the Explorer (which I am torn about because while it does promote learning Hispanic culture it also promotes young children wearing midriffs and frolicking around in the jungle unsupervised with a monkey wearing snowboots) when she asked me if I wanted to color. I took her up on it.

We got out her art box, sat down at the kitchen table and went to work. She told me what she wanted and I drew it. Her exact directions were: "Draw me and Jesus holding hands. Oooh, on a rainbow. In front of Old Navy. And I want flowers and butterflies there. Oh, I want you there too daddy. Eating pizza."

This is that:

1. I wasn't sure how to draw Old Navy, so I just wrote 50% off on the window of a building. I thought that encapsulated Old Navy pretty well.

2. For some reason, I made myself look like a brown haired Mr. Bill. Oh Nooooooooo!

3. I went with Little Caesars pizza because it is like the Old Navy of pizza chains.

4.I'm not sure what Jesus is wearing. It sort of looks like a cross between a ghost and something Obi Kenobi would wear. Except *SPOILER ALERT* Obi Kenobi does become a ghost at the end of Return of the Jedi and the above is nothing at all what he looks like. Now that I think about it, what Jesus is wearing looks more like what Princess Leia was wearing at the beginning of A New Hope.

My bad, Jesus. For everything.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Carol: This is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.
Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.
Bill: Nice to meet you.

What happens when I accumulate a bunch of stuff that is not long enough for its own post.

I wrote Ricky Anderson’s resignation letter. I think he asked me to write it since I didn’t get to write my own. Ricky is so nice. He even put me on his blogging All Star team a while back which I am still pretty sure he did out of pity because I was unemployed. Our team ended up getting destroyed and that actually caused me to sink even deeper into depression. But that is ok, I know Ricky’s heart was in the right place.

I think I may have discovered my newest superpower: winning medium fries from the McDonald’s Monopoly game. I’m like 4 for 4. I don’t usually go to McDonalds that often, but when I am on a winning streak like this it is hard to say no. I use my free fries to get more free fries. It’s like free money except in fried fries. Which wouldn’t be a bad currency system if you think about. I think I just discovered one more inefficiency of our government. The one side effect that comes with my newest superpower assures that I will not be wearing any spandex crime fighting suits. So while the malcontents of the world may not have anything to fear, potatoes most certainly do.

Speaking of government inefficiencies, I saw this when pulling out of my driveway the other day:

Lady clothes are complicated. I was folding clothes this weekend and realized LB has clothing that I am not even sure which half of the body it goes on.

I was watching cartoons with Ada and there was a talking bear telling his friends, a talking raccoon and a chicken playing the maracas, that he saw a mermaid and they didn’t believe him. They said it was impossible. A maraca playing chicken said it is was impossible. That's all.

The other night I had a dream where I was teaching rappers how to pose for their album covers. For the record, this was a dream that you have at night while you are sleeping and not a lifelong aspiration. Not yet, anyway.

I’ll end with one of my most recent favorite Ada conversations:

Ada: So, you are taking me to the park tomorrow, right?
Me: No, we go on Saturday.
Ada: That is tomorrow though, right?
Me: No tomorrow is Thursday.
Ada: So the next day?
Me: No, that is Friday.
Ada: I don’t get it.
Me: In 3 days I will take you to the park. Not tomorrow and not the…
Ada: Just give it up, daddy.
Me: Are you sure?
Ada: Yeah, from now on just tell me right before we are about to go to the park, ok?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Angela: When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.

Godz Bodz.

GASP! Two posts in one day, you’re probably all like what the what? But I saw this video and had to share. It made me just laugh and laugh. Plus, I showed it to LB and she laughed. I know you don’t understand the magnitude of that, but usually I will show LB a hilarious internet clip and she will watch it staring blankly at the screen and then give a courtesy snicker when it is over and go back to whatever she was doing. This time she ACTUALLY laughed. That is like the ultimate stamp of approval for comedic internet videos.

Tripp. Tyler. You should feel honored, gentlemen.

Tripp and Tyler have made some pretty good videos in the past. Like the Bowlin’ video. Or the guide to Hi Five etiquette. But this one may be my favorite:



Now that LB and I have shared a laugh together thanks to Tripp and Tyler, we are going share some dramedy thanks to NBC’s Parenthood.

Speaking of, can you believe Alex broke up with Haddie like that?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Deangelo: Do you know how to high five?
Andy: Yeah!
Deangelo: 'Cause if you do now's the time.
Andy: Alright.
Deangelo: Not while I'm driving.

The Best Facebook Status in the History of Ever

LB always uses my computer and logs me out of all my stuff. So, I'll grab it to check my email or Reader or something and then realize it is all her accounts. It's one of those little things that I would have probably thought was cute about 5yrs ago when we first got married.
Not anymore. We've now had over 5yrs of marriage to get on each other’s nerves so now it is pretty irritating. Most of the time. One day a couple weeks ago made it all totally worth it.
I opened my laptop to discover what I believe to be the most wondrous Facebook status that has ever existed. Of course it was one of LB’s “friends” so I have changed the names to reflect the Saved By The Bell cast as to protect their identities.

It's biblical, so yoaz better recognize.

 

In case you can't read it in the picture, I have rewritten it at the bottom of the post. Because we can't leave the distribution of wisdom like this left up to chance.
Lisa Turtle’s message is so true, ladies, please take it to heart. It is very important for you to wait on your Boaz so 5yrs into marriage when you do something mildly irritating to your husband the worst he will do is write a blog post about it.

And LB, though sometimes you may do things that irritate me, in the end I really do love yoaz.

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend and get married a piece of biblical advice. "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz" While you are waiting for YOUR Boaz don't settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects yoaz..

What is your favorite Facebook status of all time?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Ryan: Um, how do I know Robert is gay? He "liked" my facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Hot Dog Confession

I dropped a hot dog onto the ground while I was grilling out a few weekends ago. Then I picked it up and put it back on the platter. I put it on the platter parallel to the way all the other hot dogs were laying, thereby marking it so I would know which one it was and wouldn’t get it myself.

I feel better getting that out there.

I think I felt worse about this one than I did that time I finally confessed being too scared to test Johnson & Johnson’s No More Tears formula on myself after Ada cried that her eyes were burning while I rinsed the shampoo out.

I’m pretty much the best dad ever.

Do you have any hot dog related confessions?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Kelly: Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones....