Are Bluetooths still a thing? Like, are we still doing them as a society? I’ve never had one, but then I did go two years without a cell phone, so admittedly I am not an expert when it comes to cellular communication devices.
I’ve always felt Bluetooths were a little pretentious. “Look at me, I’m so important I can’t sacrifice the use of a hand just to hold a telephone.” Really, they are like the opposite of jorts which say, “Look at me, I’m so laid back I make blue jeans even more casual.”
Because I have always thought Bluetooths to be showy, I’ve always wanted to dress up in a suit and go somewhere fancy with a Bluetooth in my ear and while waving my arms around very emphatically say things like “Winston, you idiot! I said transfer a million to the Caiman’s account. A MILLION. With an M!” then turn to whoever is standing closest to me and cover the tiny receiver with my hand and roll my eyes while sighing very audibly. But I haven’t.
Then the other day I went to Wal-Mart. I know, I’m not proud of it, I sacrificed self-respect for low everyday prices. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made, y’all. Anyway, I was in Wal-Mart and there was a lady wearing house slippers and one of those President Obama tank tops you see in mall kiosks which are expensive yet not what I would classify as fancy (because it’s a tank top, obviously) walking towards me chatting away. She didn’t appear to be what I had always envisioned as a Bluetooth user. I thought Well, maybe I’m wrong about these Bluetooths.
However as she passed me, I could see that she was not wearing a Bluetooth and was simply having a spirited conversation with her cantaloupe.
Then I was disappointed for ever having doubted myself.
Have you ever doubted yourself?
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Michael: Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black! Stnanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
What’s the correct pluralization for Bluetooth? Bluetooths makes me feel like I’m from Alabama and Blueteeth makes me want cotton candy.
Why my name is Scott
I guest posted at Tyler Stanton’s site yesterday. It was about the different types of people you see in the dentist office’s waiting room. But that is not what I want to talk about. In the intro he suggested that I should go by Scooter Mo. He actually said I prefer him call me that, I didn’t. He just made it up. But really I think he did it because Tyler is too nice to be like “Hey man, your name sucks.”
Also the other day in the comments on his blog Knox suggested I go by something else as well. Again, Knox is much too pleasant of a person to be like “Dude, your name is ridiculous. You should go by something else. Anything else.”
The thing is, they don’t have to say anything. I know my name is like, the worst. I’ve even written a whole post about why it is the worst before. See?
But today I thought I would tell you why my name is Scott. Or, show you:
No lie. My dad heard that song and decided when he had a son he would name him Scott so that song would be topical in his life. When he told me that song was why my name was Scott I was like "Are you serious?" and he was like "yeah," so I was like "why?" and he was like "I thought it'd be neat."
My dad is not a man of many words. But he knows what's neat.
Why are you named what you are named?
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Andy: Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.
Dear PETA, My Bad.
We have been in the new house for about 4wks now. I still remember the first time we walked through the door as a family. I had John in my arms and LB was holding Ada’s hand, I opened the door, took a step in and then heard what I thought was a wild boar hog run across the ceiling above us. I let out a piercing shrill and dropped John to cover my head with my hands because I take the job of protector of my family very seriously.
LB and I looked at each other with unbelief. I knew what she was thinking just by the all the creases in her forehead: “Oh no, Scott, what have we done?” Just then the hog ran across the ceiling again so I answered with an affirming yelp of terror. After we calmed down, I called the landlord. I told her that I believed that our attic was housing a colony of displaced raccoons. She said she would send someone to look at it the next day.
They came, turns out we had squirrels. Or, my newest arch nemesis from the animal kingdom. First there was the hornet, then birds, and finally Goose. Now…squirrels. That’s ok, I’ve never liked squirrels anyway. I’ve always thought them to be quite devious. I hate the way they see you coming so they’ll hop up onto a tree and run around to the backside and peer around the trunk, as if now you can’t see them. Whatever, I CAN STILL SEE YOU, SQUIRREL!
One night while watching TV, I could hear him gnawing in our walls. That is when war was declared. I had a high powered spring loaded pellet gun and he had the ability to chew through my electrical wiring. It was going to be a fight to the death. Or, until my power went out. One of those.
The next few days I spent several hours in the backyard looking up into the trees, hoping to spot one of those tree rodents. I would make up reasons to go outside just in case our paths might cross. This went on for almost a week.
Until, that Sunday. We were getting ready for church when Laura Beth asked me to grab something from the car. I shuffled out the back door in boxers and flip flops and there he was. He was sitting on a branch RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I’m pretty sure he looked up and hissed at me. I didn’t want to lose him so I cracked the door back open and called in a whispered yell, “LB….get….the…gun!” It was very theatrical.
By the time she found the gun and got it to me, the squirrel had jumped a few trees over. I think he was scared. Though I’m not sure if it was because of the gun or me in only boxers and flip flops. Nevertheless, I had to hurry, a couple more trees over and he would have been in my neighbor’s yard and I wouldn’t have been able to take the shot.
I got down on one knee trying to mock that one little green army man that was fixated in that position. The squirrel was in my sights and right before I pulled the trigger I remembered the piece of advice Woody Harrelson gave Little Miss Sunshine in Zombieland: deep breath in and slowly breath out as you squeeze the trigger. It or worked or all those years playing James Bond: Goldeneye paid off because I nailed him. He fell straight out of the tree and never moved. And I didn’t even cry this time.
There was much rejoicing when I finally got Squirrel, but I think he got the last laugh. I’m pretty sure his partner/lover squirrel, no doubt feeling deep sorrow from her recent loss, committed suicide within the walls of our house. It is smelling nasty in our house right now. That’s okay though, that smell will be gone in a few more days and the squirrel is never coming back.
I’m just glad she didn’t commit suicide by electrocution.
Have you ever popped a cap?
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Dwight: Michael you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a racoon devour a squirrel?
Only texting and driving is illegal. Taking pictures is ok. Right?
Remember back when I used to do Picture Mondays? This post is like a fake version of that. Because today is Wednesday. I think one of the last Picture Mondays I did mentioned young chickens being whisked away to their slaughter so I decided to get away from those posts for a while.
Ok, on with the pictures:
1) I think I have been plagiarized. Go here and read the fifth bullet point down. Now, look at this:
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote
Dwight: Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Meet Mercules
The Altimater is no longer with us.
I always thought whenever I made that announcement it would be after getting in the car one day only to have never have gotten to where I was going due to poor visibility because of flames erupting from under the hood. We all know the Altimater has had its fair share of problems. I once tweeted a picture of building on fire next to where I used to work and Ricky mistook it for the Altimater. I'm sure he just said what everyone was thinking.
Which is it? Someone tried to crank the Altimater orBut that wasn't the case. My dad got us a car. Isn't that awesome? He just gave us a car. Crazy. A 2002 Mercury Sable. It is nothing fancy, but it does have all four hubcaps and the side view mirror is not held on by duct tape. We'll take it. He said it will probably be the last thing he will ever give me. I said that was fair.
We actually sold the Altimater a few weeks ago. I sold it to Cory. You remember Cory. Don't think I hosed him though. Before buying the Altima, he didn't have a car so I often gave him rides to and from work and usually complained about either what just broke or what was about to break on the car the whole way. He knew everything and still wanted to buy it, so I sold it to him under two conditions: 1) he has to keep calling it the Altimater 2) he can never listen to the Black Eyed Peas while in it (he has a strange fascination with the BEPs.) He completely rejected #2 but made a counteroffer to #1: he will give it a "ghetto name", like LaAltimatermisha. Mazal tov.
I offered to give the money to dad but he said not to pay him back now, just wait until later on and put him in one of those classy assisted living places for old people. Luckily, Alzheimer's runs in our family so he'll totally forget about our deal. (Dad, I'm kidding. (I don't know why I added that disclaimer, dad doesn't even know what the internet is.))
LB and I decided that we are going to use the money from selling the old car to get LB one those complicated cameras that could be used by National Geographic to take pictures of giraffes eating foliage from the tops of trees yet all moms seem to have and use them to take sideways pictures of their dinner. So really it is like we traded the Altimater for a camera AND got a car with a working AC and CD player. We're excited.
I won't delay the introductions any longer. Beloved readers, meet Mercules:
The paint job isn't really all highlighty like that. My phone made it look that for some reason. I kind of liked it though because it looks like Xzibt stopped by and pimped my ride. Have you ever had a car with a cooler name than Mercules?
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Dwight: Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.
Burt and Cory
I gotta job. Holler! This may be old news to most of you if you read LB’s blog or, like, know me in real life. But today is my first day. I’m working at the Home Depot corporate headquarters. I like to say corporate headquarters because it sounds all fancy. So fancy, in fact, I shaved my Unemployment Beard yesterday. The Unemployment Beard is like Christmas Beard’s loser cousin who doesn’t have a job.
I will post about that later. Home Depot, I mean. Not my Unemployment Beard. No one wants to hear more about that. And by no one, I mean LB. But before I move on from the unemployment/furniture moving chapter of my life, I want to remember a couple of my favorite coworkers at the furniture company.
Burt. I called him Burt from Day 1 that I worked there. I found the last week that I worked there that Burt is his last name. Mr. Burt never called me by name, only Youngblood. Mr. Burt is 66yrs old, but has over 100yrs worth of stories. The very first delivery I went on with Mr. Burt was late into the day. So when we were done, Laura Beth met us and Mr. Burt dropped me off. On the way to meet her, Mr Burt asked: “What do you know about marriage, Youngblood?” “Been married 5yrs.” “Well, that’s long enough to get a headache or two.” “What do you know about marriage, Mr. Burt?” “I know I was crazy enough to do it twice. I didn’t get married the first time until I was 40. I stayed married about 15, 20yrs. Stayed single a few years. Then got married to my next door neighbor so you know I was crazy. She could cook though. Probably too good, she’s pushing 300 these days. Been married to her for another, I don’t know, 10 or 15yrs.” “Mr. Burt, that makes you like 90yrs old?” “Feels like it.”
Cory. A 21yr old semipro football player. I call him my black friend. He calls me racist. I kid. But Cory and I joked with each other about racial stereotypes all the time. We both tell each other Chris Rock jokes over and over again like the other has never heard them. We began using each other as a resource into the other’s culture. For example, I asked him things like why is there always a pair of shoes slung over a power line in black communities and he asked me why white churches get to only last for an hour. If I hadn’t gotten the new job and we were able to ride around in the delivery truck together for another month or two, I’m pretty sure we’d have invented world peace.
Who is your favorite ex coworker?
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote
Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?
Dear Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote
Michael: I am like Superman and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
