CPR Lessons

I keep a moleskin on me at all times. I use it to jot down potential million dollar ideas that pop into my head throughout the day. Mostly the things I write down are useless. For example, last week when I came up with a new line of clothing called Solos. They are long sleeved light brown polo shirts with dark brown vests already sewn on. Here’s my design:

The lady’s version comes with a blaster shaped purse

But not everything in the moleskin is useless. Like yesterday, I was flipping through it and came across some notes I took back in February 2010 when John was born with a hole in his lung and LB and I were required to take an Infant CPR class before we could bring him home. I thought I’d share these life saving tips with you today. Because philanthropy is like a hobby of mine.

I’m just copying straight from the notes:

-LB and I are the first ones here. This is not normal. I suspect we are in the wrong room. Knowing us, I wouldn’t be surprised if we are in the wrong building. We could possibly have the wrong baby.

-Each table has its own robotic baby. They are scary. If they were having an actual emergency I probably would not administer CPR to them. Is that racist?

-The instructor just walked in. He is a large man. Probably 350lbs. My first thought was “good thing he knows CPR” Then I realized that if something were to happen, he would not be able to perform it on himself. Sad.

-Hopefully, he is quick teacher.

-More couples are trickling in. One lady has a black hat with the word “SEXY” bedazzled in fake diamonds on it.

-There is an Asian couple in the back corner. I don’t think they know English very well, but they seem pleasant. They smile and nod a lot even when no one is talking to them. I’m not sure why they won’t sit down.

-The instructor begins speaking. I notice he is missing two fingers on his left hand. So, make that pushing 348.5lbs. (I’m not sure how much individual fingers weigh.)

-I can’t focus on what he is saying, I keep thinking about his missing fingers. He’s missing the pointer finger and the ring finger. How does that happen?

-The instructor has now quoted Clint Eastwood and Bear Grylls, saying things like “Improvise. Overcome. Adapt.” I’m not sure about CPRing a baby, but I do feel like I could survive in the wilderness.

-Break time. Upon returning I spill coffee on my robotic baby. I joke that I don’t think CPR will help it. The only ones that thought my quip was funny was the Asian couple, they were the only ones smiling and nodding.

-All this talk about emergency situations reminds me of that time when I was driving on a desolate two-lane road and a car came flying by me but was going too fast and didn’t make the turn up ahead. They fishtailed off the road and flipped a couple times. I pulled to the side of the road and called 911 to give our location. Suddenly the driver emerged staggering from the woods where the car had wrecked. I’m not sure why, but at that point I floored it and took off, leaving that person on the side of the road all alone. I hope they were ok.

-I hope, if John ever needs CPR, I don’t call the police and then go peel out of the driveway.

I stopped keeping notes at this point. I think after the break there was free cookies so I had something else to occupy my mind. I'm not sure. I just know John is ok today, so the CPR class must work.

Hopefully, you will never have to use the above CPR lessons on anyone, especially an infant. But since you read this post, if you do save someone's life, you'll need to give me credit. Don't worry, I'll be humble about it.

Have you ever lost a finger?

Will Smith, Decapitation, and a Personal Ethics Dilemma. Or, The 5 Year Wedding Anniversary post.

Our family went to Alabama this past weekend, but I am the only one that came back to Georgia. I will miss everyone, but am looking forward to many pizza roll dinners and having the house to myself for a week. When I got home on Sunday night, I put on pair of socks and took off my pants and attempted the Risky Business slide across the living room floor. Unfortunately we have carpet so I ended up just toppling over.

Saturday, LB and I went to Huntsville, AL to celebrate our 5yr anniversary. If you want to send us anything, I believe 5 years is known as the Xbox 360 Anniversary. Our actual anniversary isn’t for another couple weeks but this was our only chance to hang out Big Willie Style, just the two of us. Except more of a husband/wife type of hanging out and less father/son.

It wasn’t the biggest of blowouts for an anniversary, basically we walked around an outdoor mall for half a day. But it was nice being together. Nothing very exciting happened, except when we were in Gap I did keep thinking headless mannequins were real people which is weird because they didn’t have heads. I would accidentally bump into one then apologize, but they didn’t say anything back because they were headless. Don’t feel too sorry for them though, they all seemed to be in pretty good shape and were dressed nicely.

Then while LB looked around in this one shop that had absolutely nothing a guy would be interested in, I went into the Apple store. I didn’t really understand anything I was looking at. That was fun.

Next we went into another store that had slightly less stuff a guy would be interested in, so I entertained myself by pretending to work in the fitting room area. However, my plan failed when the dressing room doors were locked and I didn’t have a key. That is probably for the best because not until I typed this out did I realize how creepy that sounds.

Finally, it was dinner time and we went to some fancy Mexican restaurant. For the record, I am fundamentally against expensive Mexican restaurants. While I do love Mexican food, I believe expensive Mexican food is one of the great evils of our society, along with the fashion industry and that most recent Superman movie where Superman cried.

Despite my irreverence for expensive Mexican food, I took LB there because I know she loves that restaurant. I can be quite chivalrous at times. I have to admit it was delicious, but it did end up costing about 17 trips to Taco Bell and a small set back in my moral philosophies.

At the end of the day, it was a fun being kidless for a few hours and getting to spend some alone time with just LB and headless mannequins. Happy anniversary, LB. This is for you:

Exclusive Interview with Dr. Awesome

I’ve picked up a new hobby: interviewing people.

It got off to a rocky start when I emailed Donkeylip’s publicist to see if I could interview him, but got the shaft when I never heard back from them. However the next month, my hobby started picking up steam when I interviewed John to celebrate the first year of his life. Today, I was lucky enough to catch up with Dr. Awesome from the now defunct To Every Man, a Manswer webspace.

The picture below is of Dr. Awesome when he was an extra in the Snow Fortress scene in the movie Inception. Unfortunately, you can’t see him because he was wearing his snow ghillie suit. And because you can never see Dr. Awesome unless he wants you to see him.

One of only two pictures in existence of Dr. Awesome.

On with the interview...

Me: Hello, Dr Awesome!!! Great to see you!! I apologize for my excessive use of exclamation points, I know you hate when men use those. I’m just really excited to see you again. I will skip all the pleasantries and go straight to the questions because I know you enjoy efficiency. You stopped writing Manswers almost a year ago, what have you been doing since?

Dr. Awesome: I know you are expecting me to reveal some strange and magnificent story of battling enemies near and far, rescuing distressed damsels, and engaging in various acts of gallantry and badicalness. You are hoping that my exploits of the last year will be adapted into the most ridiculously awesome movie you have ever seen, with the role of me being played by someone decidedly less handsome than I am, so that you won't be jealous. You would not be shocked if I was the creative voice behind the recent series of Old Spice commercials. The truth is, I did all of that, and also I went fishing.

Me: That all sounds lovely. If you had to pick which one you were most like, which male cast member from Full House would you choose? And why?

Dr. A: If I had to choose, I'd probably go with Uncle Jesse. We both have hot wives and wicked guitar skills, yet know how to extend fatherly compassion when it is time to learn a positive lesson about sharing typically accompanied by soft piano music.

Me: I was thinking you would go with Michelle’s friend Teddy, since he left Michelle early on in the series much like you left the blogging world way too soon. But Uncle Jess works, too. If you could have three people over for dinner (past, present, OR future) who would you invite?

Dr. A: I would go with Jesus Christ (how often do you get to pick the brain of the Creator of the universe and Redeemer of mankind?), Lebron James (he can keep the toaster oven, but I want my pet llama back...don't ask), and myself from 20 years in the future (for stock tips).

Me: Excellent choices, I think it’s great that Lebron would “bring his talents” to your dinner table, but be careful with the “yourself in 20yrs thing”, you wouldn't want your hand to disappear. Have you ever worn tights?

Dr. A: Yes. I keep a pair of tights with me on long hikes, as the friction created between my tights and my leg hair when I pull the tights off is enough to start a campfire. Please don't try this yourself without proper training...I learned this technique from an Apache warrior, and there's a reason that my Apache name translates as "Fire Crotch."

Me: Speaking of Fire Crotch, do you plan on seeing the new Fast and Furious 5? If not, do you plan on seeing any new movies any time soon? If not, what was the last movie you saw? If not, what is your favorite all time movie?

Dr. A: I fail to see the connection between Fire Crotch and Fast and Furious 5. Are you suggesting that if you go fast and furious enough, eventually your groin will ignite? That would make an excellent episode of Mythbusters. Probably the only movie I'm looking forward too seeing soon is Captain America, since it is loosely based on the stuff I had to do to get my Eagle Scout badge. I recently watched Unstoppable, which is by far the best runaway unmanned train movie featuring Denzel Washington I've ever seen. My favorite movie is Fletch.

Me: I wasn’t suggesting anything, I am just terrible with segues. For example, I am using this to lead into a question about who you think would win in a steel cage ladder death match inside a Simmons® Beautyrest® mattress gallery showroom: Richard Simmons, Gene Simmons, or Russell Simmons?

Dr. A: Richard Simmons brings with him an army of middle aged women sweating to the oldies. Gene Simmons brings with him a vastly overrated band wearing ridiculous costumes while drinking Dr. Pepper. Russell Simmons brings the entire Def Jam lineup. What do you think would happen? The real winners of this fight would be the entire world, since Richard and Gene would no longer be bothering us.

Me: The entire world is winners right now thanks to the recent antics of Charlie Sheen and the most fortunate shutting down production of his show. Who would you choose to replace the cast of Two and a Half Men that would make it more entertaining (read: entertaining at all) than the original? (Note: the role of the young man could be played by a Little Person (i.e. Mini-Me or the dad from that TLC show)).

Dr. A: Since the total number of men for the show must be 2.5, I propose a show featuring Kenny Rogers solving crimes with a posse of three midgets. Please note that I'm not sure what a group of midgets is called, so if it's not a posse, insert gaggle or school or whatever the appropriate word is. Anyway, Kenny Rogers is pretty cool, and him plus three half-man midgets gets you to the required 2.5 number. You could have Charlie Sheen guest star in the first episode, only to be punched in the face by Kenny and then mobbed by the midgets. That would be a good way to highlight the change in direction of the show.

Me: Interesting you bring up Kenny Rogers because my next question was going to be name the most glorious facial mane in the history of recent mankind. I had to clarify “recent” mankind because I suspect John the Baptist probably had the sweetest beard in all of history, but I have no pictures to back up my theory. So you would need to be able to present photograph evidence if need be.

Dr. A: Well, Kenny Rogers had a pretty sweet mane going back in the 80s, before he got all that plastic surgery. Now he looks like someone who is wearing a plastic Kenny Rogers mask. Probably the best beards I've seen lately belong to the guys at the Duck Commander website. Their beards are indistinguishable from wetlands brush, so much so that I would not be surprised if a family of badgers chose one of those beards to construct a home. That's how you know you have a good beard, if you wake up and find wildlife there, like you are a sanctuary for all creatures great and small.

Me: Awesome, that will be my goal during this year’s Christmas Beard growing season. I know this is getting lengthy, so I will end with the question that I know tens upon tens of people are asking themselves: by returning to the public eye and doing this interview mean that we can expect a return of To Every Man, a Manswer sometime soon?

Dr. A: You never know. Let's see how things play out for me in the NFL Draft, and then go from there.

Thanks to Dr. Awesome, my buddy Bull for playing the role of Dr. Awesome and thanks to you if you are still reading. In fact, if you are still reading then you are dedicated enough to help me think of who I should interview next. Suggestions?

Plus, if you'd like me to hone my interview skills on you so I will be really good when I hit the big time and am interviewing people like the dad from that TLC show, let me know. We'll set something up.

Ada Conversations: Part 1

A few weeks ago I won the TV March Madness tournament with very little grandeur and much more implication that I rigged the contest. I can’t believe such iniquity would be implied with someone as wholesome as Bill Cosby winning the competition. But then again, we do live in a fallen world.

I don’t feel like Heathcliff Huxtable coming out victorious was honored enough, so I am dedicating this post to him and I’m sure he would be touched if he wasn’t too busy out there crusading against black on black crimes. This is for Bill Cosby and for all the hard work he put into Kids Say the Darndest Things. (As you are reading the remainder of this post, imagine that I am making hilariously silly Bill Cosby faces.)

These are a few Ada conversations that happened over the weekend. LB started posting Ada conversations a while back but then stopped. I’m not sure why because Ada is a comedic goldmine. But then that could be because I love her a lot more than you do. If that is the case and you don’t find these entertaining, then just focus on the funny faces that you are supposed to be imagining me making. Then if it isn’t funny, it’s your fault.

1. Back story: when we are in the car, Ada likes to play games like “Who can find a fire truck first?”, “Who can find a white truck that is not moving first?” (sometimes these games are very specific), “Who can find a pumpkin with a face on it (jack-o-lantern) first?” (sometimes these games are seasonal, which makes for a really long game when we are looking for pumpkins with faces on them in April.)

Ada and I were walking into Publix…

Ada: Daddy, want to play a game?
Me: Sure.
Ada: Ok, how about Who can find a brown skinned man first?
Me: Uh, I don’t know if that is a good game to play.
Ada: Then can I get a balloon?
Me: Absolutely.

2. I overhead Ada while I was painting the kitchen this weekend. She didn’t know anyone was within earshot. She walked into the dining room only to find her balloon we had just gotten from Publix the night before had lost most of the helium and was lying on the floor.

Ada: OH, hey Balloon!...great to see you.
Ada: What are you doing on the floor?
Ada: FLY BALLOON, FLY!!!
Ada: I can help…here.
I couldn’t see her, but can only imagine she tossed the balloon into the air much like one would toss a wounded bird that was just nursed back to health. Ada: Why did you go back to the ground, Lazy?
Ada: You can do it, c’mon on Balloon!
Ada: Well, are you going to fly or not?
Ada: It’s like you’re not even trying.
Ada: [walking into the kitchen shaking her head in disgust…] What did I ever do to you, Balloon?

Looking back over these, you really might not find them very entertaining and that is ok, I understand. But I promise they are better than Conversations with John would have been, which would include a bunch of random syllables haphazardly strung together coupled with some wild arm flailing and an occasional drool.

Its a guest post Lollapalooza (without all the hippies). Not that I don’t like hippies because I do, they worry about the earth so I don’t have to.

This has been a busy week for me. I amputated my left foot with a children’s toy, wrote what is sure to be a chart topping song about that experience that I will one day sing as a duet on stage with Reba McEntire at the CMA’s about (movie rights are still for sale), and did two guest posts. That’s twice as many guest posts than I’ve done in my entire life.

Guest post #1:
The Most Important Childrearing Tip a Dad Should Ever Know for Ricky Anderson – Ricky and his wife just recently found out they were pregnant and Ricky asked for any parenting tips I had to offer. Probably because I am the best parent ever as proven by the time I protected Ada from that gaggle of angry geese. Rather than bombard the internet with a list of several tips, I wrote about the single most important piece of advice that I could ever give a father that I unfortunately had to learn the hard way. Moms/females, you can just skip this one altogether. Dads, you are welcome.

Guest post #2:
Time Traveling Scott: Volume 1 for Chad Gibbs – Chad is a man after my own heart. Three of our favorite things in the world are aligned: God & Football and Microsoft Paint. Plus, Chad once posted one of my favorite things on the internet: The SEC as Star Wars Characters. And the next time I am in Auburn I am going to tweet him up to see if he will take me to Niffer’s. It would be a win-win because as a published author he will get face time with a fan and I will get a Herschel Walker chicken sandwich.

This post is kind of like an infomercial because you got 3 posts for the price of 1. The only thing it is missing is Joey Tribbiani failing to open a carton of milk.

There...



RIP Billy Mays.

The Night That a Little Girl's Kitchen Toy Maimed an Innocent Man.

You may have heard about the bad weather that swept through Georgia on Monday night. It was pretty bad. Probably because God was bored with the Butler/UConn national championship game, too. There were trees blown over everywhere, and I’ve heard that there are parts of Atlanta that still don’t have power.

But I wanted to talk about something else that was also pretty bad and happened in our very own home on Monday night. I maimed myself on one of Ada’s toy kitchen accessories. There were screams of agony, limping, and lots of bleeding. A great night overall, really. I was going to write a post about it, but wrote a song instead. The world would have probably been better off without either.

I thought I’d give you the quick rundown of what happened just so the song will have a fighting chance at making sense. Here are the facts:

Fact 1: It was bath time and I was carrying John upstairs to bathe him.
Fact 2: I was sidetracked when John challenged Ada to a game of tag.
Fact 3: Ada chased me around the house as I was carrying John.
Fact 4: Ada couldn’t catch me because I’m elusive. (That’s not really important for the song, I just wanted to brag about my ability to evade a 3yr old girl.)
Fact 5: On one of my many jukes I stepped on Ada’s little metal toy kitchen pasta spoon which is basically like a machete with claws. I drew a picture in case you don’t know what one looks like:

Except the real one had more blood and the inside of a foot on it.

Fact 6:I looked down and saw it impaled into the bottom of my foot.
Fact 7: I calmly sat John down at which point Ada walked up and touched him on the head and said, “You’re it!”
Fact 8: I hopped/limped/used my elbows to pull my lifeless lower torso to the bathroom and sat down to pry the pasta spoon off of my foot. Unfortunately, there weren’t any crow bars stored in Ada’s bathroom. Yet.
Fact 9: As soon as I detached it from my foot, the blood came. Lots of blood.
Fact 10: I was still bleeding at this point.
Fact 11: LB came and shut the door to the bathroom so Ada and John couldn’t come in and play in my blood. That was thoughtful of her. So, there I sat in the bathroom, on the toilet (lid down), all alone, and bleeding uncontrollably out of the bottom of my foot. This was probably a low point in my life. I felt like James Franco from the movie 127 Hours, expect it wasn’t a boulder that had me trapped me in isolation, it was a little girl’s toy.
Fact 12: The bleeding stopped and I could see where the three prongs forced entry into my foot. It looked like I had been bitten by a snaggletoothed rattlesnake.
Fact 13: I bandaged my wounds and my pride.
Fact 14: It just hit me as I was typing these facts out that Ada probably laid the miniature pasta spoon out as a booby trap, similar to something Kevin McCallister did to Joe Pesci in Home Alone, so she could tag John. If that is the case, then…touche Ada, well played indeed.

Hopefully that is all you need to know. Now for the song. It’s set to the tune of Reba McEntire’s The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia, mostly because the lights went out in Georgia that night, so it was very topical. If you don’t already now the lyrics, then you are probably a communist. I’m kidding, I linked them here for you (video here), so you can brush up on them after you get done burning that American flag.

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (the version Reba probably wishes she had sung)
By: Scott Moore

He was on his way upstairs from the floor below
Bath time loomed, and he thought he'd stop
In the playroom and have some fun with the kiddos

Ada said hello and he said hi, wanna play tag
Ada said “Sit down I got some bad news and it's gonna hurt”
She said “Im your daughter and you know that's right
But I want to play Barbie games tonight
Since you been downstairs its all I’ve done”
He got mad and he saw red
Ada said “Dad don't you lose your head
Cause to tell you the truth Id also rather play them than be with mom.”

Chorus:
That's the night the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night that a little girl’s kitchen toy maimed an innocent man
Well don't trust your feet soles in a child’s playroom
Now the bathroom floor is one big bloodstain

Ada got scared and left the bed
Playing tag with dad was better instead, you see
Ada didn't have many dads and didn’t want to lose this one

He picked up Ada’s brother and left the room
So he rounded the corner and finally found the only thing
Left in the hallway and that was a toy pasta spoon
He went to closest bathroom in the house
Limping through the hall nimble as a mouse
Leaving a set of tracks, too much blood for Ada to make
He hopped through the door and sat on the toilet
He saw Ada running away in a fret
Because the puddle of blood and he started to shake

LB was making her rounds
So he fired a shout just to flag her down
And a short redheaded sheriff showed up and said
“Why’d you do it?”

The family said guilty in a make believe trial
Slapped the sheriff on the back with a smile and said
Supper needs to cleaned up and I got to get to it

Chorus:

Well, I disfigured my foot before I could say
Ada get your toys out of the hallway
But you can ease your mind,
That stabby pasta spoon didn’t just go away
Its sitting in the McDonough landfill today.
You see my foot doesn't miss when there something on the floor to be stepped on.

Chorus:

That's the night the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night that a little girl’s kitchen toy maimed an innocent man
Well don't trust your feet soles in a children’s playroom
Now the bathroom floor is one big bloodstain

That's the night the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night that a little girl’s kitchen toy maimed an innocent man
Well don't trust your feet soles in a child’s playroom
Now the bathroom floor is one big bloodstain


Sometimes, it would probably be better if I just didn't post things...

Have you ever written a song?

I have to clear my conscience.

I lied to twitter last week.

I told the story of the Altimater being in the shop because it wouldn’t crank. The mechanic has since been able to get it to start, it just won’t go when put in drive which as I pointed out to twitter, is pretty much the main responsibility of a car.

Anyway, I lied when I said that the Altimater was now like a giant Walkman with air conditioning that I can get inside. First of all, the air conditioner has been broken for a couple years now, so the AC part was a lie. Secondly, the CD player doesn’t work either so it is not like a Walkman at all since listening to CDs is the essence of a Walkman.

I believe it is probably more accurate to say the Altimater is like a giant boom box. So now when I get in it, I like to turn to rap music and pretend I’ve been hoisted atop some large black man’s shoulder in the middle of a basketball court enclosed in chain link fence during the filming of a late 80’s Ice Cube video. The N.W.A. Ice Cube, not the Are We There Yet? Ice Cube. Straight Outta Compton!

My usual go to station is V103 The People’s Station. Because I am people too. The only problem is now, I can't stop calling LB “shawty” and I have the strangest urge to go to Barnes and Nobel and browse the Urban Fiction section.

In conclusion, I'm sorry I lied.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote
Creed: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny, but mean.
Jim: You follow him on Twitter?
Creed: Everywhere I look its Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.