Earlier this week there was bad weather near Atlanta. There were thunderstorms, tornadoes, and threats of hail the size of tennis balls. We didn’t actually get much of anything, but because we live close enough, we did get to hear all about it on the local news.
All the talks of tornadoes made me think of the smoke monster from LOST which made me think about how I will never get to see another new episode of LOST again which made me sad.
So today, I’m reposting a LOST post I did right before the final season started. I’m doing it in memory of LOST. And because I am a lazy blogger.
This is the characters of LOST decision making process when ordering a pizza. If you didn’t watch LOST (and how unfortunate for you) just skip this whole post.
Kate:
1) Look up the number for Pizza Hut.
2) Then look up the number for Dominoes.
3) Decide to go back to Pizza Hut.
4) Then back to Dominoes.
5) Back to Pizza Hut.
6) Dominoes.
Sayid:
1) Construct a phone from the remains of a coconut and the inner workings of Jin’s gold watch.
2) Call to inquire about any specials (reluctantly interrogate/torture pizza place employee for best deal if it means helping friends in the end.)
3) Sport black tank top and dark flowing locks.
Hurley:
1) Call around to find out which pizza place has the longest buffet hours.
2) Go there.
Jack:
1) For no reason at all, pizza place employees seem to consult you before every decision.
2) Scream violently at all employees and decide to make the pizza yourself.
3) Do not slice the pizza because “We live together, die alone.”
4) Cry.
5) Eat pizza resentfully while scowling and contemplating the next move to get out of the pizza place.
Boone:
1) Because there are no readily available utensils, have Jack slice your pizza by slamming it in the oven door.
Ben:
1) Eat another character’s pizza.
2) Finagle them into believing they actually ordered the pizza for you.
3) Persuade them that if they order you another pizza, you will tell them everything you know.
4) Stare at them all bug-eyed and smile coyly out of the side of your mouth when they are not looking.
Sawyer:
1) Stop reading whatever classic novel that you’ve happened to run upon across.
2) Fervently demand to everyone in close proximity that “You don’t need no pizza!”
3) Secretly order pizza to keep for yourself, and while talking to pizza place employee on the phone call them several witty nicknames seemingly make up on the fly.
Jin:
1) Call pizza place and speak Korean words.
2) Become incredibly frustrated, and still away to catch your own pizza for you and your spouse.
3) Call back a few weeks later and order a pizza in perfect English.
Locke:
1) Angrily hang up on pizza place because they said you can’t get stuffed crust on a personal pan pizza and “No one tells you what you can’t do!”
2) Sit at home and BELIEVE that a pizza will appear on the table on its own.
3) Give up, lose all faith and put a frozen pizza in the oven.
4) Come to realize that the frozen pizza wanted you to put it the oven the whole time and was merely using you as a pawn.
5) Blow up everyone else’s ovens because you know they will suffer the same fate.
Desmond:
1) Unbutton your shirt about halfway down.
2) Refer to your pizza as “brotha”.
Michael:
1) Go to Papa John’s and ask if any has seen Walt!!
2) Go to Little Caesar’s and ask if anyone has seen Waalt!!!
3) Go into the parking lot look up toward the sky with outstretched arms and scream Waaaaaaalt!!!!
4) Find Walt eating pizza with John Locke and tell him to never eat pizza with John Locke again.
Charlie:
1) Tape all your knuckles and write “Hot Pizza” in black sharpie across them.
2) Give Claire an empty pizza box containing an imaginary pizza, then serenade her with “You All Everybody”
3) See that your friends have called what they thought was a pizza place but in reality it was not a pizza place at all. It was actually an ocean liner full of contracted military personnel determined to kill everyone, so as an ultimate sacrifice you somehow lock yourself in a room filled with water, effectively drowning yourself, to save everyone and with your last gasps of breath you scribble onto the palm of your hand “Not the pizza place” which confuses everyone because they don’t know exactly what you meant by that and when there’s a large group of people gathered there are bound to be several differing opinions on the message you were trying to convey. Unfortunately, in the end, this selfless act fails to keep the malicious pizza delivery guys with machine guns away from your friends. Sad.
What do you miss most about LOST?
Repost of the LOSTies ordering a pizza because I miss LOST and, honestly, mostly because I am a terrible blogger.
I assure you, polygamy is not a laughing matter.
I was kind of nervous that after hosting the month long TV tournament my mind (and posts) would constantly gravitate towards television. During the competition, I turned into a kind of Television Rain Main. Even when Ada got sick, I related it to an episode of House.
One night last week we had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and it made me think of Balki from Perfect Strangers’ homeland of Mypos. (When I was a kid, I used to think Balki was saying he was from Meatballs.) I knew it was bad when I was seeing references to shows from the old TGIF lineup in my dinner. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to turn it off.
Then this morning I got email from a buddy informing me that he and his wife were expecting a second time. And by second time, I mean their second child and the second time he told me about it.
This is that email conversation between my buddy and me. I assure you it is all in jest.
Buddy: I can’t remember if I told you yet but someone matching my description got my wife pregnant...due end of September.
Me: I would kick his tail if I were you. I kid. Yeah man, you told me on the phone a while back but if you need affirmation on your fertility, congratulations again. I will warn you though, two is more than one.
Buddy: You can still run man to man though....I imagine having to switch to zone would be total chaos.
Me: I believe that is when the pros outweigh the cons for polygamy.
Buddy: Princess Leia has been watching Sister Wives, I’m trying to talk her into me getting another wife to do the yard work.
Me: I need another one that knows how to work on cars.
I changed all names to protect the innocent. That means my buddy isn't really married to Princess Leia and his name is not really Buddy. That means it’s not really Buddy Lembeck from Charles in Charge which stinks because it would be kind of awesome if Buddy Lembeck and I were close enough that he emailed me to let me know that he and his wife were expecting.
Dang, back to TV again. My bad.
What 80's television character do you wish you were close enough with they'd email you when they were expecting?
TV March Madness: Champion Crowned
Despite goings on such as this, my faith in humanity has never been stronger. We started out with a pool of 32 hilarious characters and the most wholesome of the bunch rose to the top. You should be proud of yourself, internet. 
It is only appropriate that the closest match of the tournament was this championship round. Dwight Schrute is a very worthy opponent. If I didn’t have Heathcliff Huxtable protecting me with his family morals, the next person I would want is Dwight Schrute protecting me with his bo staff.
TV March Madness Tournament
I moved the tournament back deep into the archives. If you're interested in checking it out, click here.
Have a nice day.
