If we were on The Real Word, this post would have been written in the confessional closet.

I have to come clean about something: up until yesterday, I hadn’t been to the dentist in over 5yrs. If you are fortunate enough to not follow me on twitter, you didn’t already know that. Unfortunately, you are about to experience here:

• Confession: I havent been to the dentist in 5+ yrs. Dont judge me. There have been extenuating circumstances.
• Like I am forgetful. And lazy.
• But I am on my way right now. LB asked if I brushed my teeth twice this morning. I said 1 extra brushing wont make up for 5yrs of neglect.
• Feel sorry for me. And the dentist.
• About to go back to the chair. Just ate an orange. Because that is what we do when the garbage disposal starts to smell.
• Figured same basic principles apply.
• It took 65min and a mouth so bloody it looks to have been chewing gravel, but I am out of the dentists chair.
• I got 1 cavity and the spaces between my teeth back.

There really were somewhat justifiable reasons it took me so long get to the dentist. It all started when my lifelong dentist retired. I was like the Israelites wandering around in oral hygiene wilderness. Finally, my mom scheduled me an appointment with a new dentist back home. However, there was a miscommunication and I showed up at the wrong dentist’s office. There was much confusion and hilarity ensued. That incident was followed by a lot more wandering until yesterday.

I am relieved that I finally got back into a dentist’s chair after a much too long draught. I am even more relieved that I only have one cavity. I was expecting much worse. The only problem is now that they have cleaned my teeth I am completely aware that my tongue is in my mouth.

Before yesterday my tongue was like Will Smith before he got into that one little fight with a couple guys who were up to no good, it was just chilling out, maxing, and relaxing all cool. For the most part, I went through life and never thought much about my tongue. Not anymore.

Now, I’m constantly thinking about my tongue, the inside of my mouth, and/or possible dead celebrities. Where do I put it? Does it usually touch the back of my teeth? Are my teeth open or closed? If my teeth are open, are they going to bite my tongue when I close them? What is stopping me from swallowing my tongue? Didn't some celebrity die by swallowing their tongue?

The questions surrounding typically involuntary body functions are endless when you suddenly believe they are voluntary. It is like having to control each heart beat or think about each breath taken. It’s quite tiresome.

So, if you see me in the next few days and I seem to be staring off into space, don’t worry, I'm just thinking about tongue placement. Everything is ok. Sort of.

Have you ever thought about tongue placement?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist?

Dwight: Yep.

Michael: Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.

This is our life, internet.

This conversation took place a couple weekends ago while we were getting Ada ready for bed. Ada was just staring at us the whole time. Probably thinking about how awesome her parents are.

LB: We have to do children’s church on Sunday.

Me: What is it about?

LB: Paul and Timothy.

Me: So we need to think of some examples of mentor mentee type relationships….how about Huey, Dewey, and Louie?

LB: What?

Me: Huey, Dewey, and Louie. They had Scrooge.

LB: Scrooge? Like with Tiny Tim?

Me: Not Ebenezer, McDuck. Scrooge McDuck.

LB: How was he their mentor?

Me: In business. He was a successful businessduck who had a pool of gold coins. I wish he were my business mentor. But then Scrooge McDuck was probably before these kids’ time. They probably don’t even know who that is.

LB: I didn’t even know who it was.

Me: Yeah, but you don’t know what a lot of cool things are. You’re not a good source.

LB: Donald!!! Daffy!!!!

Me: Why are you shouting out random ducks?

LB: I’m not just naming random ducks. They were all on that same show.

Me: Donald and Daffy were not on the same show.

LB: Yes they were. They were married.

Me: They are two man ducks!

LB: DAISY!!! I meant Daisy. Aww man.

Anybody who can tell me how this conversation connects LB and Leslie Knope will be my new best friend. Unless you are already my best friend, then you will just continue to be my best friend.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." He's going to lose it when he reads that.

Guest Post: Get Ready.

(Today is the first time I’ve ever had a guest post. It’s by Tyler Stanton. I like Tyler because he makes me feel better about the amount of television I watch. I like to think we are the Joey Gladstone and Jesse Katsopolis of the blogging world. Of course, I’m Jesse...better hair. Tyler’s guest post is about television. It’s also somewhat related to sports, so imagine Jock Jams is playing in the background as you read it. Or the theme song to Full House. Either one will work, really.)
----

The other day I asked one of life’s most important questions on my blog – who is the greatest television character of all time?

After meditating on this question for some time, Scott emailed me and demanded that we not leave it open-ended. We needed to find out once and for all. So, naturally, we emailed six other friends (Bryan Allain, Kevin Keigley, Tyler Tarver, David Robbins, Jordan Green, Knox McCoy) and the eight of us had a draft. Once we amassed a pool of 32 characters, we set up a little March Madness of our own.

That’s right. A two-week tournament. 32 comedy characters from the last 20 years. 5 rounds. Eventually whittled down to one glorious winner.

This is where you come in.
The winner of each matchup will be decided by your votes.

Here’s how the Madness is going down:

Week 1 - Beginning March 1

Tuesday through Thursday – First round: Four match-ups each day. We explain the character’s greatness in 5 sentences or less. Then you vote. It’s that simple.

Week 2 - Beginning March 8

Monday – Half of Sweet Sixteen: Four match-ups. We use one video clip (less than a minute) to display their greatness.

Tuesday – Other half of Sweet Sixteen: Same as Monday.

Wednesday – Elite Eight: We abandon defending our character and use our 5 sentences (or less) to bash our opponent.

Thursday – Final Four: You’ll see.

Friday – National Championship: You’ll see.

So who is in the tournament? Great question. Here’s how the draft went down:

Round 1
1 Robbins - Steve Urkel
2 Moore - Heathcliff Huxtable
3 Green - Homer Simpson
4 Stanton - David Brent
5 Tarver - Chandler Bing
6 Allain - George Costanza
7 McCoy - Jerry Seinfeld
8 Keigley - Andy Millman

Round 2
9 Keigley - George Michael Bluth
10 McCoy - Michael Scott
11 Allain - Cosmo Kramer
12 Tarver - Dwight K Schrute
13 Stanton - Larry David
14 Green - Tobias Funke
15 Moore - Gob Bluth
16 Robbins - Bart Simpson

Round 3
17 Robbins - Jack Donaghy
18 Moore - Ron Swanson
19 Green - Eric Cartman
20 Stanton - Andy Bernard
21 Tarver - Liz Lemon
22 Allain - Samuel Screech Powers
23 McCoy - Dave Chappelle
24 Keigley - Gareth Keenan

Round 4
25 Keigley - Phil Dunphy
26 McCoy - Barney Stinson
27 Allain - Michael Bluth
28 Tarver - Tracy Jordan
29 Stanton - Peter Griffin
30 Green - Joel Robinson
31 Moore - Cameron Tucker
32 Robbins - Creed Bratton

You may already have an opinion on who the best characters are just by looking at the names. Fine by us. All we need is for you to vote for them.

See you back here on Tuesday.
___
Tyler Stanton is part of a movement of people who don’t take themselves too seriously. His blog,tylerstanton.com, helps tens of people in their own journey every single day. His glorified pamphlet, Everyday Absurdities: Insights from the World’s Most Trivial Man, is on track to become required reading in all nationally accredited universities by 2026. If all goes according to plan, he will never own a dog.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.

Texts From a Marriage

Scott: I ran out of deodorant this morning and had to use some of yours. Now, I keep getting whiffs of you throughout the day. It is pleasant.

LB: Gross. I'm going to go buy you some right now.

I hate to brag, but at times I can be quite the romantic. Must be Valentine's day hangover.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes?

Picture Monday: Valentine's Day Edition

Unfortunately for LB, Target was out of the 'hot & steamy' cards.

No comment as I already don't know if LB will let me post this.

I got her one of those special Target Ebony Magazine cover cards with Ray Charles on it instead. Because it is Black History Month, too. It makes the card more efficient which, really, is a Valentine's Day gift in itself.

Also, today is John's 1yr circumcision anniversary so everyone congratulate him. But don't make any sudden movements around him.

Happy Valentine's day.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Kelly: I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So...

Exclusive Interview with John the One Year Old

Check out those pecs.

John turns one year old today. I asked John if I could interview him to celebrate this momentous occasion. He agreed as long he could remain unidentified. So, from here on out John will only be referred to as X in an effort to keep his identity a secret. Also, forget that above picture.

Me: Happy birthday, buddy. Thanks for doing the interview with me.

X: No problem. We need to make this quick...I left Egypt a couple of weeks ago to hunt lions in South Africa, and the place fell apart while I was gone. As soon as we finish here, I'm heading over there to stop all the malcontents from roughing up Anderson Cooper.

Me: Sure thing, so how would you say your inability to give up nursing affects your world travels?

X: Well, I've had to cultivate a taste for milk from sources other than mom, including other women and even a few non-human species. Let's just say that there is a family in Germany that is pretty upset with me about their cat.

Me: That reminds me of that video I saw on Youtube once where a dog nursed a raccoon cub. That is an amazing feat. So, what would you say is the most amazing feat you’ve accomplished in this first year?

X: Actually I'd say this year has been pretty ordinary. I did all the things normal newborns do in their first 12 months...learned calculus, taught scuba classes to homeless Sri Lankans, finished 4th overall in the Heisman voting...you know, the usual. I did sleep through the night one time, and my parents seemed more excited about that than anything else, so I guess that's pretty amazing?

Me: I remember that night and it was amazing. I’ve noticed you’re finally learning to put a few steps together. Now that you can walk upright, does that change any of your future plans? Long or short term?

X: Crawling on all fours gives you a lot more credibility when you are trying to negotiate with some lactating rhinos for their milk. It's definitely a skill I want to maintain. But long term, I think walking upright is the way to go, primarily because I don't think you can win Mr. Universe without being able to stand up and flex. At least, that's what they told me when I tried to enter this year.

Me: I didn’t know you tried to enter Mr. Universe this year. Did you know your momwas invited to be in the Miss Teen USA pageant this past year, too? But speaking of negotiating with lactating rhinos, I noticed you have about 7 or 8 teeth now which can only negatively affect your leverage in such negotiations. Do you have any tips on how to negotiate with terrorists?

X: I just try to give them a hug. Odds are they are terrorists because nobody ever loved them. Maybe kids were mean to them, or they grew up in a home that wasn't very warm. So I try to kill them with kindness. Just kidding, I actually kill them with bullets.

Me: Have you ever been shot at?

X: Due to an arrangement I have with DHR and the CIA, I'm afraid I cannot answer that question. Just for future reference, I'm also not allowed to discuss UFOs, immigrant labor, or the movie Wayne's World.

Me: Fair enough. For your future reference, the next time you use my razor you need to either wash the stubble out or change cartridges.

X: And for your future reference, whatever brand of razor it is that you are using, it is completely worthless for sheering sheep.

Me: Those razors are expensive, son. I’ve told you to subdue a beaver and use its teeth for that job. If they will fell a tree, they will sheer a sheep! You’re going to have to either start going poop in the potty so we can save money on diapers or using beaver teeth for all your livestock shaving chores. I just saw that there is a chemical plant in Texas on fire. I can only imagine it is because I kept you too long. Should you be going?

X: I told those fools not to try to make my famous chili recipe without supervision.Yeah, I need to go take care of that. But I'll see you for delicious cake later?

Me: Of course. And when you see Anderson Cooper, ask him if The Mole is ever going to come back on.

Note: Today the role of John was played by my buddy and old Dr Awesome compatriot Bull. I knew I wanted some help, so I asked myself "who do I know who can think like a 1 year old in diapers?" Of course, Bull. Thanks man.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.

Picture Monday: Chicken Edition

Five years and two kids into marriage, our Friday nights are not what some might call ‘wild and crazy’. They usually consist of a $10 Pizza Hut pizza, two Route 44 diet cokes from Sonic, and a trip to Publix. It was on our last trip to Publix, that I noticed something I thought was strange.

We were in the refrigerated section when I saw this:

They were probably best friends.

Several thoughts popped into my head immediately. I will try to list them chronologically:

1) Young chicken...wouldn't that be an egg?
2) Seriously though, that is about as "young chicken" as it gets.
3) Is "young chicken" really the best way to label this? Not only do I think it is incorrect, but I don’t think it is good marketing.
4) When I read “young chicken,” I imagine young little chicken children, probably wearing clothes too big for them because they are so cute and tiny they can’t find clothes that fit, running around playing freeze tag in some open field. When suddenly, a helicopter appears from over the horizon and descends just low enough that masked men can begin repelling out of the sides and snatching the young little chicken children away from the mother chickens, who had been picnicking off to the side and enjoying such a peaceful day. Then the masked men fly the young little chicken children back to their facility where they are kept inside a rusty chain link fence until the machines are ready to rip the young little chicken children's feathers out, chop their heads off, throw their bodies in a bag, and place them on Publix’s shelves.
5) Wonder if steak is on sale?

All of this reminds of a string of tweets I posted a few months back:

Just dropped a carton of eggs in the kitchen. Clean up sucks but what sucks more is the way those 12 little chicken lives just ended.

I imagine going out as a tasty omelet is held in high regard among chicken fetuses. But my kitchen floor? That is just shameful.

RIP 12 chicken lives I just ended. I’m sure you would have been delicious.

Life is hard sometimes, yall. For us and the chickens.

And if you are going to eat chickens, wait and let them live a full life first. But for the record, I’m not recommending you eat chickens you find that are already dead either. I think that is dangerous or something. I'm pretty sure that is what Bear Grylls said once. Though, I think he was talking about a wildebeest. Still, same rules probably apply.

Have you ever eaten a chicken you found already dead?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

5 Boyhood Crushes

Last week after reminiscing about Donkeylips (which his publicist never got back to me by the way, I guess having a blog doesn’t “qualify” as being a “journalist”), I got to thinking about other childhood television memories. This obviously led me to all my boyhood television crushes, so I asked LB if she would get jealous if listed them all. She said no, but just to be safe, I kept them as their characters on the show. This way, if LB goes into a jealous tirade there isn’t an actual person she can go after that would be able to press charges. I am pretty sure fictional characters don’t have those kind of rights.

1. Stephanie Tanner (Full House) – I still remember the first time a girl caused that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was 6yrs old and my whole family was at my grandparent’s house. There was tons of stuff going on, but the television was on in the background. Time stood still when I saw Stephanie Tanner standing there in her honeybee uniform. All of a sudden girls weren’t icky anymore.

2. Melody Hanson (Hey Dude!) – A couple years later, young Stephanie lost out on her chance with me when Nickelodeon introduced me to Melody Hanson. I never understood why Ted was always chasing after Brad when Melody was right there. But then Ted probably already knew he didn’t stand a chance with Melody. Unlike me. I knew the only thing keeping Melody and me apart was the 1,100 miles that separated us. I would have walked every one one of those miles to get her too, had I only been allowed to cross the street.
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3. DJ Tanner (Full House) – As time went on and Hey Dude! was cancelled, I made a very controversial move, my crush jumped sisters. Scandalous. I kept it quiet as long as possible because I didn’t want to be labeled a “home wrecker” before I even became a teenager. I blame the whole thing on syndication. I had gotten older, but because of reruns, the Tanner girls hadn’t aged. Stephanie’s response upon finding out: “How rude.”

4. Jamie Powell (Charles in Charge) – Unfortunately, I only have bad memories when thinking about my crush on Jamie Powell. To be fair to Jamie, they have nothing to do with her. I remember 4th grade Scott coming home from school and throwing a box of pizza rolls in the oven then kicking back to watch Charles in Charge. It was a daily ritual that eventually led to me wearing the husky sized jeans. The same husky sized jeans that formed as a bond between Donkeylips and me.

5. 7yr old LB:

Stephanie Tanner aint got nothing on this.

Ok, I didn't really know 7yr old LB, but I know if I had 7yr old Scott would have been crushing hard on her. Now that I think it about it, it’s probably lucky for me that 7yr old LB didn’t know me because that means she never saw any of my fashion mistakes and she wasn’t around during the awkward middle school years a. That would have probably ruined everything forever. But honestly, not much has changed since the awkward middle schools. Maybe less zits.

Who were your childhood crushes? We all had them. I think it would be awesome if one of you ladies had a crush on Donkeylips. If you did, I'll bring it up in my interview. If they ever get back with me.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam.

Creed: Oh ho! Which one is Pam?

Kevin: Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?Michael: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.

Picture Monday (Posted on Tuesday Because Our Internet was Out Last Night): Superman Edition

It was 70 degrees yesterday. I never miss an opportunity to show off my calves so I put on some shorts and took Ada to the park. (Clarification: when I said calves, I meant the shapely leg muscles behind my shins and not a herd of baby cows. I thought when I said ‘put on shorts’ coupled with the fact that I do not live on a farm you would probably figure that out but that is the problem with homonyms, you can never be too safe.) Ada and I arrived at the park only to find that everyone in town had the same idea. We circled the parking lot a few times before finding a spot and then stood in line next to the swings for about 5 minutes waiting our turn. After a while, I leaned down and asked Ada if she wanted to go to the walking trail since she wasn’t playing on anything. She did.

This walking trail goes through the woods and was pretty secluded. We had been walking for a while and hadn’t seen anyone when we rounded a bend, and there in the middle of the pathway, was a young boy, probably 6 or 7. He was standing with his black cowboy boots spread shoulder width apart, hands on his hips, chest bowed out and wearing a Superman t-shirt complete with a cape flowing heroically in the breeze. He appeared to be alone in the middle of the woods.

“Hey buddy, are your parents around?” He swiftly extended his right arm, palm facing me. I thought he was trying to give me a high five but just wasn’t very good at it, until he suddenly yelled. “HALT, you evildoers!” I was taken aback. I decided I should just leave him alone and go around him, so with Ada’s hand tucked into mine I slid to the left to pass. He slid with us. I went back to the right. He went back to the right. He wasn’t letting us go by and appeared to be willing to use force if necessary.

I wasn’t sure how to remove myself from the situation. He didn’t seem to have a parent or guardian around to control him, and I wasn’t ready to risk to punching a 7yr old. Yet. I decided that Ada and I should just turn around and walk back towards the entrance. Superman followed us. I didn’t have to look back, his cowboy boots clonking on the pathway behind us served as a reminder that he was still there…watching.

We finally came to a little rest area with a raised garden whose edges doubled as concrete benches. I thought Ada and I could sit down and see what Superman did next. Superman hopped up on the cement bench and walked it like a balance beam. We sat there for a while until eventually an older gentleman caught up to us. It was Superman’s granddad and as he got closer, it all became clear as to why he couldn’t keep up with young Superman. And it wasn’t because this Superman was faster than a speeding bullet; I don’t think you can be faster than a speeding bullet while wearing cowboy boots. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Superman’s granddad had a prosthetic leg. It was just like Lieutenant Dan’s except the top portion of his was decorated like a zebra. I leaned down and told Ada he would have probably been more likely to keep up had he painted his prosthetic leg like a cheetah, get it? She didn’t.

The quality of this picture was compromised due to me not wanting to be perceived as some random guy at the park taking pictures of small children. I'm sorry, but my desire not to be the focus of an episode of To Catch a Predator outweighed my desire to get a good picture for this post.

Hopefully you can click on the picture and see the wonderfully intricate zebra print detail. And the jorts.

PS: This marks my third strange run in with a young ethnic prebuescent male. (Superman was ethnic because he is from Krypton. Duh.) The first one was the Extremely Chubby 6-8ish Year Old Viatnames Kid, and number 2 was Pizza Hut Phil.

PPS: I think Pizza Hut Phil is my favorite.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said, "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

Michael: That's from Superman?

Dwight: Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise.