Halloween Special Survival Guide: Vampire Attacks

This post is from a couple years ago. I’m reposting it today because it is topical and I care about your safety. And also because I am lazy. But seriously, please don’t get killed by a vampire this weekend. That would mean you were dead and I would have one less reader. Both of those are bad.

I never heard back from anyone on my survival guide for catching on fire, so I’m assuming no one has had to use it yet. Or it didn’t work. I doubt that it didn’t work though, I’ve had a lot of experience with fire throughout my life. I’ve participated in several bottle rocket fights and when I was younger I liked to burn milk jugs and paper plates for fun. So, the Fire Survival Guide might as well have been stamped by a notary public.

However, this guide is based more on theory than fact. I have personally never been attacked by a vampire. Unless you count the Twilight series. I don’t. But given the fact that vampires are popping up everywhere, I thought it might be smart to prepare a guide in case of an attack.

Before I really thought about it, I used to think I would just tell the attacking vampire that I had a highly infectious, seriously debilitating disease, so my blood was tainted and super contagious. Rookie mistake. That would never work. Vampires are already dead, so they are not threatened by swine flu blood. Wait, are vampires dead? I know zombies are, but I’m not sure about vampires. Ok, I just googled it, vampires are dead. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to get to the guide.

-Always carry a water gun filled with holy water with an attached wooden stake bayonet shaped like a crucifix laced in garlic. I had to get this one out of the way first.

-Wear turtle necks 24/7. Or, if it’s hot outside, a dickie will work. Really, anything that obstructs easy access to your neck will work. People may laugh at you, but when they are all vampires and you’re not, you’ll get the last laugh. Sort of like Noah.

-Say that you are ¼ Asian. I have never seen an Asian vampire so obviously vampires are scared of Asians. If you are Asian, just say “Boo!”

-Mention Tom Cruise. Vampires everywhere are still embarrassed at his turn in Interview with a Vampire and all the Scientology stuff. They don’t get it either. Inevitably, they will get all defensive and distracted. Try to find your chance to run into some sunlight. If it is nighttime, slip on your emergency dickie.

-If the vampire that is attacking you is The Count from Sesame Street your chances of survival are much greater than if it was, say, the vampire from Blade. Just point out that there is an excessive amount of ceiling tiles and as he’s counting them, make your get away.

-If you are in an episode of Scooby-Doo, just grab the vampires face and pull. Don't worry, it is a mask. It's really the disgruntled man you met 5 minutes into the episode and he will call you meddlesome. But in the end, you will be safe.

-I saw the movie Underworld, so I know vampires and werewolves DO NOT like each other. Say something demeaning about werewolves, like “Don’t all werewolves look the same? I can never tell them apart.” or “I wonder how many werewolf fans actually attended the university?” This should build camaraderie between you and the vampire and maybe he will spare you.

In the event of an attack, I hope these help. If they do, you don't have to thank me or anything, just pay it forward. Everyone be safe this weekend and I truly hope no one has to use this guide. If you want to be extra cautious, which is never really a bad thing, fill a squirt bottle with holy water and spritz everyone within a ten foot radius. You will be defending yourself and blessing everyone at the same time. A true Hall-o-win-win....wow, that was bad.



The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: I dont have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.