The Altimater is no longer with us.
I always thought whenever I made that announcement it would be after getting in the car one day only to have never have gotten to where I was going due to poor visibility because of flames erupting from under the hood. We all know the Altimater has had its fair share of problems. I once tweeted a picture of building on fire next to where I used to work and Ricky mistook it for the Altimater. I'm sure he just said what everyone was thinking.
But that wasn't the case. My dad got us a car. Isn't that awesome? He just gave us a car. Crazy. A 2002 Mercury Sable. It is nothing fancy, but it does have all four hubcaps and the side view mirror is not held on by duct tape. We'll take it. He said it will probably be the last thing he will ever give me. I said that was fair.
We actually sold the Altimater a few weeks ago. I sold it to Cory. You remember Cory. Don't think I hosed him though. Before buying the Altima, he didn't have a car so I often gave him rides to and from work and usually complained about either what just broke or what was about to break on the car the whole way. He knew everything and still wanted to buy it, so I sold it to him under two conditions: 1) he has to keep calling it the Altimater 2) he can never listen to the Black Eyed Peas while in it (he has a strange fascination with the BEPs.) He completely rejected #2 but made a counteroffer to #1: he will give it a "ghetto name", like LaAltimatermisha. Mazal tov.
I offered to give the money to dad but he said not to pay him back now, just wait until later on and put him in one of those classy assisted living places for old people. Luckily, Alzheimer's runs in our family so he'll totally forget about our deal. (Dad, I'm kidding. (I don't know why I added that disclaimer, dad doesn't even know what the internet is.))
LB and I decided that we are going to use the money from selling the old car to get LB one those complicated cameras that could be used by National Geographic to take pictures of giraffes eating foliage from the tops of trees yet all moms seem to have and use them to take sideways pictures of their dinner. So really it is like we traded the Altimater for a camera AND got a car with a working AC and CD player. We're excited.
I won't delay the introductions any longer. Beloved readers, meet Mercules:
Have you ever had a car with a cooler name than Mercules?
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Dwight: Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.