Dear Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately. That’s my bad. I will be back soon, promise. Until then, I have a guest post from Tyler Tarver. He's only posting here because he wants you to buy his book, Words and Sentences. But that’s cool because you should. Tyler is really random like when girls wear those belts around their stomachs for no reason. He is also hilarious like when girls wear those belts around their stomachs for no reason. Here are some specific Tyler things that made me laugh. I was actually one of the first to read Tyler’s book because he sent me an advanced copy so if you do buy one I could autograph it for you or something.

Dear Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg,

Hey you two! Or you one. I don’t know honestly, I can’t tell you apart. I guess it’s like

they say, all rich white guys who look the same look alike.

Are you really best friends with Ben Affleck? Does he ever get jealous that you’re in

every movie and he isn’t? The Town was really good though.

I live in a town.

When Andy Samberg did that SNL skit where he was you talking to animals, I

laughed. Not like HAHA, more more like hehe. It was still an lol. That’s gr8. H8trs.

I think teenagers are stupider now than when I was one.

I’m a math teacher. You remember that time you did that really hard math problem

at Harvard and then dated a hot chick and met Robin Williams with a beard? Yeah, it

was neat.

Once when I was in 8th grade I was on my Uncle Joe’s AOL instant messenger

account and I started talking to a chick and I said I was in Harverd. That’s not how

you spell it. We don’t talk much anymore.

Did it hurt when you kept punching yourself in Fear? You know that was Reese

Witherspoon, you probably could’ve just started talking really country instead.

I’m from the South. Not that I’m really short, but I talk with an accent. It’s German.

Did you ever notice that every state in the South points to the state to the left as

more country than them? It’s true, my internet friend Scott said so. I’m in the far left

one called The Arkansas so we just point back at Mississippi cause they’re stupider.

Are you guys like Clark Kent and Superman?

I bet it was hard being in The Departed. You should’ve gotten paid double. Does Jack

Nicholson smell like an old house? I bet he does.

Can I be a part of your entourage? I’m really good with the screaming. If someone

pulls a gun on y’all, I’ll scream so good you’ll think I was Jennifer Love Hewitt from

the 90’s when she didn’t suck like an old school mail chute in a business building.

Which one are you?

Love,

Tyler

Ps What does money look like?

Tyler Tarver is so sweaty it’s freaking gross. You can

check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it

here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his

brand new toilet book which he won’t shut up about titled

Words&Sentences. He also might be in love with you so

much it’s freakin stupid.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote

Michael: I am like Superman and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.