Letter to the University of Tennessee

I originally wrote this last year when UGA’s Athletic Director, Damon Evans, was fired for driving while under the influence of wearing lady’s underwear. Or something like that. I’m not sure. Nonetheless, Georgia didn’t hire me and their football team had their first losing season in about 18 years. I should add that to my resume.

Couple that with the fact that UT is set to go before the NCAA's Committee on Infractions this coming Saturday because they have been charged with major violations in both football and men’s basketball, and I may stand a chance this time.

Tennessee, unlike Georgia, hasn’t posted this position online yet, but I am trying to get ahead in the game. This is me showing initiative.

Dear the University of Georgia University of Tennessee:

I am very interested in the Athletic Director position that has recently become available at your university. I submitted my resume immediately when I saw your job posting online. I have a lot of respect for your institution and am excited to see an opportunity that vaguely fits my skill set.
After reading through all 18 Duties and Responsibilities you have listed for the role, I see that I may not be exactly what you have in mind. But I don’t think you should limit yourself to someone “who has considerable expertise in intercollegiate athletics management”. You should think more outside the box. I came up with a few reasons you should hire me:

• I will work for the same salary as the current lowest paid Athletic Director in the SEC.
• I will start wearing a top hat and eating my Hot Pockets with a knife and fork in an effort to help the university appear classier.
• I will change the school colors to: leather. It will increase profits due to fans buying new apparel and merchandise while simultaneously helping the football team carry out fake handoffs.
• I will assign an intern to log onto the University of Tennessee’s Wikipedia page daily and add a new fact interchanging the University of Tennessee with Chuck Norris (i.e. Crop circles are the University of Tennessee’s way of telling the world sometimes corn needs to lie down.)
• I will strike a deal with TBS to edit all airings of the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story to have Ralphie say “the University of Tennessee” rather than “Fudge.”
• I will never hire Lane Kiffin. Ever. (Rehire in UT's case.)
• I will rename all the Krispy Kremes in Knoxville to Phil Fulmer’s Donut Shoppe. (new one tailored just for UT)
• I have won 30+ college football national championships on Xbox. I also have some NFL experience via Madden ’08.
• I will change our mascot from Volunteers to Dynamite. Because dynamite always wins in Rock Paper Scissors. Also in Rock Paper Scissor, the sign for dynamite is the thumbs up, so now we have our new logo.
• I am overweight yet not obese. According to recent statistical findings, 34% of adults 20yrs of age or older are overweight and not obese. This essentially means I am a minority, and I am pretty sure hiring minorities helps you with your taxes or something?
• I will increase ticket sales for both the women’s equestrian team and the golf team, by combining their events.
• I will change the fight song to Top Gun’s Danger Zone and the alma mater would be that song the Bayside Glee Club wrote for the school song writing competition.

These are only a handful of ideas that I was able to come up with during the last twenty minutes of my lunch break at my current job, there are plenty more where these come from if you only give me the opportunity. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Scott Moore

PS. If you need references, I can mail you the memory card from my Xbox. Or possibly track down my old high school football coach. Which ever of those is more professional.