The Night That a Little Girl's Kitchen Toy Maimed an Innocent Man.

You may have heard about the bad weather that swept through Georgia on Monday night. It was pretty bad. Probably because God was bored with the Butler/UConn national championship game, too. There were trees blown over everywhere, and I’ve heard that there are parts of Atlanta that still don’t have power.

But I wanted to talk about something else that was also pretty bad and happened in our very own home on Monday night. I maimed myself on one of Ada’s toy kitchen accessories. There were screams of agony, limping, and lots of bleeding. A great night overall, really. I was going to write a post about it, but wrote a song instead. The world would have probably been better off without either.

I thought I’d give you the quick rundown of what happened just so the song will have a fighting chance at making sense. Here are the facts:

Fact 1: It was bath time and I was carrying John upstairs to bathe him.
Fact 2: I was sidetracked when John challenged Ada to a game of tag.
Fact 3: Ada chased me around the house as I was carrying John.
Fact 4: Ada couldn’t catch me because I’m elusive. (That’s not really important for the song, I just wanted to brag about my ability to evade a 3yr old girl.)
Fact 5: On one of my many jukes I stepped on Ada’s little metal toy kitchen pasta spoon which is basically like a machete with claws. I drew a picture in case you don’t know what one looks like:

Except the real one had more blood and the inside of a foot on it.

Fact 6:I looked down and saw it impaled into the bottom of my foot.
Fact 7: I calmly sat John down at which point Ada walked up and touched him on the head and said, “You’re it!”
Fact 8: I hopped/limped/used my elbows to pull my lifeless lower torso to the bathroom and sat down to pry the pasta spoon off of my foot. Unfortunately, there weren’t any crow bars stored in Ada’s bathroom. Yet.
Fact 9: As soon as I detached it from my foot, the blood came. Lots of blood.
Fact 10: I was still bleeding at this point.
Fact 11: LB came and shut the door to the bathroom so Ada and John couldn’t come in and play in my blood. That was thoughtful of her. So, there I sat in the bathroom, on the toilet (lid down), all alone, and bleeding uncontrollably out of the bottom of my foot. This was probably a low point in my life. I felt like James Franco from the movie 127 Hours, expect it wasn’t a boulder that had me trapped me in isolation, it was a little girl’s toy.
Fact 12: The bleeding stopped and I could see where the three prongs forced entry into my foot. It looked like I had been bitten by a snaggletoothed rattlesnake.
Fact 13: I bandaged my wounds and my pride.
Fact 14: It just hit me as I was typing these facts out that Ada probably laid the miniature pasta spoon out as a booby trap, similar to something Kevin McCallister did to Joe Pesci in Home Alone, so she could tag John. If that is the case, then…touche Ada, well played indeed.

Hopefully that is all you need to know. Now for the song. It’s set to the tune of Reba McEntire’s The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia, mostly because the lights went out in Georgia that night, so it was very topical. If you don’t already now the lyrics, then you are probably a communist. I’m kidding, I linked them here for you (video here), so you can brush up on them after you get done burning that American flag.

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (the version Reba probably wishes she had sung)
By: Scott Moore

He was on his way upstairs from the floor below
Bath time loomed, and he thought he'd stop
In the playroom and have some fun with the kiddos

Ada said hello and he said hi, wanna play tag
Ada said “Sit down I got some bad news and it's gonna hurt”
She said “Im your daughter and you know that's right
But I want to play Barbie games tonight
Since you been downstairs its all I’ve done”
He got mad and he saw red
Ada said “Dad don't you lose your head
Cause to tell you the truth Id also rather play them than be with mom.”

Chorus:
That's the night the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night that a little girl’s kitchen toy maimed an innocent man
Well don't trust your feet soles in a child’s playroom
Now the bathroom floor is one big bloodstain

Ada got scared and left the bed
Playing tag with dad was better instead, you see
Ada didn't have many dads and didn’t want to lose this one

He picked up Ada’s brother and left the room
So he rounded the corner and finally found the only thing
Left in the hallway and that was a toy pasta spoon
He went to closest bathroom in the house
Limping through the hall nimble as a mouse
Leaving a set of tracks, too much blood for Ada to make
He hopped through the door and sat on the toilet
He saw Ada running away in a fret
Because the puddle of blood and he started to shake

LB was making her rounds
So he fired a shout just to flag her down
And a short redheaded sheriff showed up and said
“Why’d you do it?”

The family said guilty in a make believe trial
Slapped the sheriff on the back with a smile and said
Supper needs to cleaned up and I got to get to it

Chorus:

Well, I disfigured my foot before I could say
Ada get your toys out of the hallway
But you can ease your mind,
That stabby pasta spoon didn’t just go away
Its sitting in the McDonough landfill today.
You see my foot doesn't miss when there something on the floor to be stepped on.

Chorus:

That's the night the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night that a little girl’s kitchen toy maimed an innocent man
Well don't trust your feet soles in a children’s playroom
Now the bathroom floor is one big bloodstain

That's the night the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night that a little girl’s kitchen toy maimed an innocent man
Well don't trust your feet soles in a child’s playroom
Now the bathroom floor is one big bloodstain


Sometimes, it would probably be better if I just didn't post things...

Have you ever written a song?