Exclusive Interview with Dr. Awesome

I’ve picked up a new hobby: interviewing people.

It got off to a rocky start when I emailed Donkeylip’s publicist to see if I could interview him, but got the shaft when I never heard back from them. However the next month, my hobby started picking up steam when I interviewed John to celebrate the first year of his life. Today, I was lucky enough to catch up with Dr. Awesome from the now defunct To Every Man, a Manswer webspace.

The picture below is of Dr. Awesome when he was an extra in the Snow Fortress scene in the movie Inception. Unfortunately, you can’t see him because he was wearing his snow ghillie suit. And because you can never see Dr. Awesome unless he wants you to see him.

One of only two pictures in existence of Dr. Awesome.

On with the interview...

Me: Hello, Dr Awesome!!! Great to see you!! I apologize for my excessive use of exclamation points, I know you hate when men use those. I’m just really excited to see you again. I will skip all the pleasantries and go straight to the questions because I know you enjoy efficiency. You stopped writing Manswers almost a year ago, what have you been doing since?

Dr. Awesome: I know you are expecting me to reveal some strange and magnificent story of battling enemies near and far, rescuing distressed damsels, and engaging in various acts of gallantry and badicalness. You are hoping that my exploits of the last year will be adapted into the most ridiculously awesome movie you have ever seen, with the role of me being played by someone decidedly less handsome than I am, so that you won't be jealous. You would not be shocked if I was the creative voice behind the recent series of Old Spice commercials. The truth is, I did all of that, and also I went fishing.

Me: That all sounds lovely. If you had to pick which one you were most like, which male cast member from Full House would you choose? And why?

Dr. A: If I had to choose, I'd probably go with Uncle Jesse. We both have hot wives and wicked guitar skills, yet know how to extend fatherly compassion when it is time to learn a positive lesson about sharing typically accompanied by soft piano music.

Me: I was thinking you would go with Michelle’s friend Teddy, since he left Michelle early on in the series much like you left the blogging world way too soon. But Uncle Jess works, too. If you could have three people over for dinner (past, present, OR future) who would you invite?

Dr. A: I would go with Jesus Christ (how often do you get to pick the brain of the Creator of the universe and Redeemer of mankind?), Lebron James (he can keep the toaster oven, but I want my pet llama back...don't ask), and myself from 20 years in the future (for stock tips).

Me: Excellent choices, I think it’s great that Lebron would “bring his talents” to your dinner table, but be careful with the “yourself in 20yrs thing”, you wouldn't want your hand to disappear. Have you ever worn tights?

Dr. A: Yes. I keep a pair of tights with me on long hikes, as the friction created between my tights and my leg hair when I pull the tights off is enough to start a campfire. Please don't try this yourself without proper training...I learned this technique from an Apache warrior, and there's a reason that my Apache name translates as "Fire Crotch."

Me: Speaking of Fire Crotch, do you plan on seeing the new Fast and Furious 5? If not, do you plan on seeing any new movies any time soon? If not, what was the last movie you saw? If not, what is your favorite all time movie?

Dr. A: I fail to see the connection between Fire Crotch and Fast and Furious 5. Are you suggesting that if you go fast and furious enough, eventually your groin will ignite? That would make an excellent episode of Mythbusters. Probably the only movie I'm looking forward too seeing soon is Captain America, since it is loosely based on the stuff I had to do to get my Eagle Scout badge. I recently watched Unstoppable, which is by far the best runaway unmanned train movie featuring Denzel Washington I've ever seen. My favorite movie is Fletch.

Me: I wasn’t suggesting anything, I am just terrible with segues. For example, I am using this to lead into a question about who you think would win in a steel cage ladder death match inside a Simmons® Beautyrest® mattress gallery showroom: Richard Simmons, Gene Simmons, or Russell Simmons?

Dr. A: Richard Simmons brings with him an army of middle aged women sweating to the oldies. Gene Simmons brings with him a vastly overrated band wearing ridiculous costumes while drinking Dr. Pepper. Russell Simmons brings the entire Def Jam lineup. What do you think would happen? The real winners of this fight would be the entire world, since Richard and Gene would no longer be bothering us.

Me: The entire world is winners right now thanks to the recent antics of Charlie Sheen and the most fortunate shutting down production of his show. Who would you choose to replace the cast of Two and a Half Men that would make it more entertaining (read: entertaining at all) than the original? (Note: the role of the young man could be played by a Little Person (i.e. Mini-Me or the dad from that TLC show)).

Dr. A: Since the total number of men for the show must be 2.5, I propose a show featuring Kenny Rogers solving crimes with a posse of three midgets. Please note that I'm not sure what a group of midgets is called, so if it's not a posse, insert gaggle or school or whatever the appropriate word is. Anyway, Kenny Rogers is pretty cool, and him plus three half-man midgets gets you to the required 2.5 number. You could have Charlie Sheen guest star in the first episode, only to be punched in the face by Kenny and then mobbed by the midgets. That would be a good way to highlight the change in direction of the show.

Me: Interesting you bring up Kenny Rogers because my next question was going to be name the most glorious facial mane in the history of recent mankind. I had to clarify “recent” mankind because I suspect John the Baptist probably had the sweetest beard in all of history, but I have no pictures to back up my theory. So you would need to be able to present photograph evidence if need be.

Dr. A: Well, Kenny Rogers had a pretty sweet mane going back in the 80s, before he got all that plastic surgery. Now he looks like someone who is wearing a plastic Kenny Rogers mask. Probably the best beards I've seen lately belong to the guys at the Duck Commander website. Their beards are indistinguishable from wetlands brush, so much so that I would not be surprised if a family of badgers chose one of those beards to construct a home. That's how you know you have a good beard, if you wake up and find wildlife there, like you are a sanctuary for all creatures great and small.

Me: Awesome, that will be my goal during this year’s Christmas Beard growing season. I know this is getting lengthy, so I will end with the question that I know tens upon tens of people are asking themselves: by returning to the public eye and doing this interview mean that we can expect a return of To Every Man, a Manswer sometime soon?

Dr. A: You never know. Let's see how things play out for me in the NFL Draft, and then go from there.

Thanks to Dr. Awesome, my buddy Bull for playing the role of Dr. Awesome and thanks to you if you are still reading. In fact, if you are still reading then you are dedicated enough to help me think of who I should interview next. Suggestions?

Plus, if you'd like me to hone my interview skills on you so I will be really good when I hit the big time and am interviewing people like the dad from that TLC show, let me know. We'll set something up.