CPR Lessons

I keep a moleskin on me at all times. I use it to jot down potential million dollar ideas that pop into my head throughout the day. Mostly the things I write down are useless. For example, last week when I came up with a new line of clothing called Solos. They are long sleeved light brown polo shirts with dark brown vests already sewn on. Here’s my design:

The lady’s version comes with a blaster shaped purse

But not everything in the moleskin is useless. Like yesterday, I was flipping through it and came across some notes I took back in February 2010 when John was born with a hole in his lung and LB and I were required to take an Infant CPR class before we could bring him home. I thought I’d share these life saving tips with you today. Because philanthropy is like a hobby of mine.

I’m just copying straight from the notes:

-LB and I are the first ones here. This is not normal. I suspect we are in the wrong room. Knowing us, I wouldn’t be surprised if we are in the wrong building. We could possibly have the wrong baby.

-Each table has its own robotic baby. They are scary. If they were having an actual emergency I probably would not administer CPR to them. Is that racist?

-The instructor just walked in. He is a large man. Probably 350lbs. My first thought was “good thing he knows CPR” Then I realized that if something were to happen, he would not be able to perform it on himself. Sad.

-Hopefully, he is quick teacher.

-More couples are trickling in. One lady has a black hat with the word “SEXY” bedazzled in fake diamonds on it.

-There is an Asian couple in the back corner. I don’t think they know English very well, but they seem pleasant. They smile and nod a lot even when no one is talking to them. I’m not sure why they won’t sit down.

-The instructor begins speaking. I notice he is missing two fingers on his left hand. So, make that pushing 348.5lbs. (I’m not sure how much individual fingers weigh.)

-I can’t focus on what he is saying, I keep thinking about his missing fingers. He’s missing the pointer finger and the ring finger. How does that happen?

-The instructor has now quoted Clint Eastwood and Bear Grylls, saying things like “Improvise. Overcome. Adapt.” I’m not sure about CPRing a baby, but I do feel like I could survive in the wilderness.

-Break time. Upon returning I spill coffee on my robotic baby. I joke that I don’t think CPR will help it. The only ones that thought my quip was funny was the Asian couple, they were the only ones smiling and nodding.

-All this talk about emergency situations reminds me of that time when I was driving on a desolate two-lane road and a car came flying by me but was going too fast and didn’t make the turn up ahead. They fishtailed off the road and flipped a couple times. I pulled to the side of the road and called 911 to give our location. Suddenly the driver emerged staggering from the woods where the car had wrecked. I’m not sure why, but at that point I floored it and took off, leaving that person on the side of the road all alone. I hope they were ok.

-I hope, if John ever needs CPR, I don’t call the police and then go peel out of the driveway.

I stopped keeping notes at this point. I think after the break there was free cookies so I had something else to occupy my mind. I'm not sure. I just know John is ok today, so the CPR class must work.

Hopefully, you will never have to use the above CPR lessons on anyone, especially an infant. But since you read this post, if you do save someone's life, you'll need to give me credit. Don't worry, I'll be humble about it.

Have you ever lost a finger?