Exclusive Interview with John the One Year Old

Check out those pecs.

John turns one year old today. I asked John if I could interview him to celebrate this momentous occasion. He agreed as long he could remain unidentified. So, from here on out John will only be referred to as X in an effort to keep his identity a secret. Also, forget that above picture.

Me: Happy birthday, buddy. Thanks for doing the interview with me.

X: No problem. We need to make this quick...I left Egypt a couple of weeks ago to hunt lions in South Africa, and the place fell apart while I was gone. As soon as we finish here, I'm heading over there to stop all the malcontents from roughing up Anderson Cooper.

Me: Sure thing, so how would you say your inability to give up nursing affects your world travels?

X: Well, I've had to cultivate a taste for milk from sources other than mom, including other women and even a few non-human species. Let's just say that there is a family in Germany that is pretty upset with me about their cat.

Me: That reminds me of that video I saw on Youtube once where a dog nursed a raccoon cub. That is an amazing feat. So, what would you say is the most amazing feat you’ve accomplished in this first year?

X: Actually I'd say this year has been pretty ordinary. I did all the things normal newborns do in their first 12 months...learned calculus, taught scuba classes to homeless Sri Lankans, finished 4th overall in the Heisman voting...you know, the usual. I did sleep through the night one time, and my parents seemed more excited about that than anything else, so I guess that's pretty amazing?

Me: I remember that night and it was amazing. I’ve noticed you’re finally learning to put a few steps together. Now that you can walk upright, does that change any of your future plans? Long or short term?

X: Crawling on all fours gives you a lot more credibility when you are trying to negotiate with some lactating rhinos for their milk. It's definitely a skill I want to maintain. But long term, I think walking upright is the way to go, primarily because I don't think you can win Mr. Universe without being able to stand up and flex. At least, that's what they told me when I tried to enter this year.

Me: I didn’t know you tried to enter Mr. Universe this year. Did you know your momwas invited to be in the Miss Teen USA pageant this past year, too? But speaking of negotiating with lactating rhinos, I noticed you have about 7 or 8 teeth now which can only negatively affect your leverage in such negotiations. Do you have any tips on how to negotiate with terrorists?

X: I just try to give them a hug. Odds are they are terrorists because nobody ever loved them. Maybe kids were mean to them, or they grew up in a home that wasn't very warm. So I try to kill them with kindness. Just kidding, I actually kill them with bullets.

Me: Have you ever been shot at?

X: Due to an arrangement I have with DHR and the CIA, I'm afraid I cannot answer that question. Just for future reference, I'm also not allowed to discuss UFOs, immigrant labor, or the movie Wayne's World.

Me: Fair enough. For your future reference, the next time you use my razor you need to either wash the stubble out or change cartridges.

X: And for your future reference, whatever brand of razor it is that you are using, it is completely worthless for sheering sheep.

Me: Those razors are expensive, son. I’ve told you to subdue a beaver and use its teeth for that job. If they will fell a tree, they will sheer a sheep! You’re going to have to either start going poop in the potty so we can save money on diapers or using beaver teeth for all your livestock shaving chores. I just saw that there is a chemical plant in Texas on fire. I can only imagine it is because I kept you too long. Should you be going?

X: I told those fools not to try to make my famous chili recipe without supervision.Yeah, I need to go take care of that. But I'll see you for delicious cake later?

Me: Of course. And when you see Anderson Cooper, ask him if The Mole is ever going to come back on.

Note: Today the role of John was played by my buddy and old Dr Awesome compatriot Bull. I knew I wanted some help, so I asked myself "who do I know who can think like a 1 year old in diapers?" Of course, Bull. Thanks man.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.


Bull said...

You are welcome. We are like the Tim Tebow and Cam Newton of pretend interviews with infants...we own this genre like they owned college football. You can be Tim, I am definitely Cam because I am taller and blacker.

Scott said...

That works out since I have a sweet jump pass and always wear black strips under eyes with bible verses written on them so that I am sharing the gospel 24/7.

jeremymcnair said...

Hilarious post! You've taught your "one-year-old" well. Good job with that!

Calis said...

Awesome! Made my day. Happy Birthday John!

Scott said...

Thank you, Jeremy and Calis. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

John also appreciates your kind words. If he ever cross paths with you, he will give you a sweater made from wool he sheered himself from his own sheep. Like a friendship bracelet, only warmer so it is more efficient during the chilly winter months.

shannon said...

Oh. my. goodness.

Ricky Anderson said...

Great post, but I believe there's a typo.

"Feat" should read "teat".