My Christmas Beard was Magical. Possibly.

Several months ago I finally shaved the Christmas beard. It was emotional. That is why I am just now writing about it, I took the time to mourn, properly. Plus, Christmas Beard growing season is right around the corner, so hope springs eternal. CB and I had a good run, but I decided that after multiple months of attempting to grow the perfect man beard and yet my face still looking like the underbelly of a mangy dog, the time had come to part ways.

A few days after shaving him off I was reminiscing by browsing through some old pictures of us together on the computer while listening to Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby on repeat. That is when I came across this picture taken right before Ada was about to be born:

No, I don't actually tan my arms from the wrists up.

I was immediately taken back in time to that delivery room. LB’s face was filled with anxiety and worry, while mine was filled with only a glorious facial mane. I was so relaxed that right after LB’s epidural was administered I fell asleep on the slab of plywood the hospital refers to as a “bed.” Not long after that, LB wanted to roll over but couldn’t do it herself due to being numb from the waist down. She needed help flipping so she began to scream, shriek, and throw pillows at me in an effort to wake me up. But I slept right through it. True story. And I give all the credit to my Christmas beard. And LB’s girlish throwing arm.

The ability to impede looming birth anxiety is not even the best of the Christmas beards abilities. You probably don’t know the specifics of Ada being born, but LB pushed for less than thirty minutes. That was in August of ’07. Then we get to February of this year when John was born, again less than thirty minutes of pushing. There is only one thing, other than LB, that these two events have in common – I was sporting the Christmas Beard*.

*Yes, Ada was born in August, but for the sideburns to have been that thick I would have had to have started growing it in December. Also, stop questioning these things, where’s your Christmas spirit?

Obviously, this leads me to the only logical conclusion, my Christmas Beard is magical. It holds some sort of power over unborn children that turn them into an Olympic bobsled team when it is time to make their entrance into the world. I am pretty confident I have discovered my 6th superpower, only this one is accessible only by having facial hair. Sort of like Sampson.

Now, I’m not so arrogant to think this ability is unique to only my Christmas beard, because this power would explain how all the births in television and movies happen so quickly. There must be someone with a magical Christmas beard standing just outside the view of the camera to help hasten the birth of these movie babies. After this realization, I searched Craigslist for job openings in Hollywood, but none of them mentioned magical Christmas beards in their Preferred Skill Set, so I didn’t reply to any.

However, I don’t want my powers to go to waste, or miss a money making opportunity, so I am offering my services to you. If any of you out there are pregnant and would like an easy birth, I am willing to wait in your delivery room with you. Husbands, what better gift could you get your wife than the gift of a speedy birthing process? Also, I don’t have to be around where everything is going on or anything. I think as long as I am in the same room we should be fine. I can just hang out in the corner and play online Scrabble or something.

If you’re interested let me know, we can talk prices. On top of a standard fee, you will also be responsible for my travel expenses. But I don’t want there to be any geographical barriers, so for a discounted rate, I can catch some of my Christmas Beard clippings in a baggie and mail it to you. You pay for postage, of course. No guarantees. All sales are final.

In honor of the Original Christmas Beard, I’ll conclude with the lyrics to Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby:

(Do do do dop)
(Do do doop do doop da dum)
(Do do doop dum)
(Do do doop do doop da dum)
(Repeat)

We were as one baby
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart baby
Our love will never die, no!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

(Do do do dop)
(Do do doop do doop da dum)
(Do do doop dum)
(Do do doop do doop da dum)

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no
You'll always be a part of me
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder ooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, baby
Oh, baby believe me it's only a matter of time
Of time

(Do do do dop)
(Do do doop do doop da dum)
(Do do doop dum)
(Do do doop do doop da dum) (do do doop)

You and I will always be
No way your never gonna shake me
No way your never gonna shake me
You and I will always be

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:

Dwight: My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly.