The Moore You Know: A Fine Diner’s Four Step Guide to Enjoying the Culinary Marvel of Pizza Rolls the Way Any Distinguished Member of Society Should.

I love pizza rolls. They are delicious and portable. I think fast food restaurants should add them to their menus. It is a travesty that there’s a McRib, yet no McPizza Rolls. Or probably Pizza McRolls, like Chicken McNuggets. But that is a campaign for a different day. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all political on you. I certainly do not want to taint joys of pizza rolls with muddy politics.

LB went to Alabama last Friday morning and is coming home today. I didn’t mention it until now because I didn’t want some malevolent internet stalker to know I was home alone and possibly come take advantage of me, or more importantly, ruin one of my pizza roll dinners. I’ve mentioned before that when LB is out of town, pizza rolls make up the majority of my meals. LB never buys them for me when she is here, so when she is gone I have to make up for the fact we never purchase them. If I didn’t, and all the pizza roll companies went out of business, I would feel so guilty. So now, we’ve established pizza rolls are delicious, portable, and stimulate the economy.

On Sunday, or my third night of pizza roll dinners, I realized something: you can simply eat pizza rolls, or you can dine on them (which for clarification purposes, I just mean eat them fancier.) Sure, you can throw them in the oven then shove them down your throat, but why the rush? Don’t you want more out of pizza rolls, nay, more out of life than that? Of course you do, and I can help.

1. You must prepare the pizza rolls in the oven. If you use the microwave, I’m afraid you are beyond hope. Eating pizza rolls fixed in the microwave is like eating Al Roker’s sweaty sock filled with marinara sauce. I honestly don’t know why I used Al Roker there.

2. Despite your excitement when the oven timer dings, allow a few minutes for them to cool. This is very hard because your pizza rolls have now finished cooking and are sitting right there on the counter. Don’t give in. It will take practice and at times even the best of us succumb to the temptations of early pizza roll ingestion. If it happens to you, do like me and blame it on the meth.

3. Pizza rolls are like snowflakes, no two are alike, so they come in varying sizes. Some are skimpier, some are fatter. You can arrange them in a straight line, a spirally circle, or a mural of Tim Tebow and Jesus giving each other a fist pound, the degree of creativity is a personal choice, but the objective is to position the pizza rolls so you eat them smallest to largest. (That is like alphabetically, only by size instead of letters.)

4. Occasionally when you bite into a pizza roll, the sauce trapped inside will drip out. Some might view this as undignified, but all I see is opportunity. Position yourself over the plate so that the drippings of each pizza roll leading up that largest one lands right on top of it. Now when you get to the end, not only have you saved the largest, most plump pizza roll for last, but it is also covered in a pool of delicious pizza roll insides goodness.

Follow these steps and you no longer have to be depressed about eating your last pizza roll of the night for you have created the grandest of all dinner finales. You have brought the ending majesty of a Fourth of July firework display to your plate and when you take that last bite you will want to stand up and salute while singing God Bless America!

In conclusion, pizza rolls are delicious, portable, stimulate the economy, and support the troops.

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