5 LB Stories

The Friday Fives are back, internet, and todays are dedicated to LB. I wanted to honor her because her birthday was yesterday. I had intended to write her a sprawling, epic poem that lavished her with compliments, let her know how special she is, and tell her how I would’ve rather been with her yesterday than at work but couldn’t take off because of all the days I’ve had to miss these last few weeks due to the abundant number of John doctor visits. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to finish it. This was all I got:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Because of John’s head,
I can’t be with you.

You are a great wife,
An even better baby’s momma.
Being with you is the time of my life,
In spite of our President being Mr. Obama.*

Our season of life has us fairly broke
So you know I can’t get you much.
The least I could bring you is this fountain Diet Coke.
From Sonic, of course, I know they are your crutch.

Maybe this weekend, we can grab dinner?
Ada and John will have to be there, too.
But that’s ok because I feel like a winner
When I’m with the three of you.

I do hope your birthday is happy,
I love you beyond measure.
May Ada have a successful potty,
And John, not have a seizure.

No matter what Donald Trump has to say,
You will always be my Miss Teen USA.

*I don’t usually bring up politics but I really like calling LB my baby’s momma, and the only other thing I could think of that rhymed with that was llama. I don’t think there was a rational way I could add a llama into my ode to LB. Also, I think I've talked about politics only one other time, back on President Obama's Inauguration Day.

LB is an English major. She even used to write those kinds of poems that don’t even rhyme. So I hope she likes my poem. But anyway, all of this isn’t the point of today’s post.

In my 8yrs of getting to know LB (4yrs married, 2yrs dating/engaged, 2yrs friends) I’ve either experienced or heard about some wonderfully hilarious LB stories. There is a chance that they may only be hilarious to LB and me, but I wanted to share them with everyone. Last night, in honor of LB’s birthday we were up way too late watching House on DVD when we got to talking about some of these around midnight. We were both doubled over laughing.

1. Monster Parents. There was an extended period of time while growing up that little LB thought her parents were monsters. She really believed her mom and dad were actual monsters who had disguised themselves as humans and were interacting with our world. Kind of like those things on Men in Black, except I think those were aliens so not exactly. Little LB wasn’t scared of them, but did live her life in fear. She feared that the surrounding world would somehow discover her parents’ dirty secret and they would be whisked away. I guess to be thrown into monster prison, or possibly dissected. Sometimes little LB would even sit up at night contemplating if maybe her older sister was also a monster. I’m sure that was a rough life for a child, wondering her family possibly used gills to breathe. It finally came to a head one night when LB’s mom, Elizabeth, was rocking little LB before bedtime and she couldn’t pull it together. When Elizabeth asked her what was wrong she confessed: “I think you and dad are monsters dressed up as people.” Whether Charlie and Elizabeth are really monsters or not, we still can’t be sure. But we do know that Elizabeth was able to successfully convince little LB that they weren’t monsters that night. LB has been able to sleep ever since. Unless fireworks are trying to murder her. Obviously.

I just realized that if I included the other four stories this would be such a monstrosity of a post that no one would finish reading. I just assume that since I don’t even want to finish writing it. So, I am making the executive decision to cut this post off here and continue it later. This is my first “To Be Continued…” post, it kind of feels fancy. It’s not.

If you look closely, you will see that this is a screen shot from that two part episode of Full House where they go to Disney World.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:

Jim: It's Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael: Thank you.