Pizza Hut Phil

It seems that I've discovered another one of my superpowers, this one induces young ethnic prepubescent men to engage me in eclectic conversations. Remember the Extremely Chubby 6-8ish Year Old Vietnamese Kid? Well, I had a similar experience this past week. My apparent gift can make for awkward real life scenarios, but I think I've learned to harness it when I'm struggling for stuff to post about.

Last week, LB did one of her posts where she lists out what we are having for dinner throughout the week. I really enjoy when she does that because it takes me back to the days of my youth when I was but a little tyke stealing my mom’s Saturday edition of the Advertising Gleam to search for the section with the elementary school cafeteria’s menu hoping to see both chicken nuggets and square pizza listed. Have I mentioned that I was a chubby kid?

Anyway, on LB’s menu I saw that we were supposed to have pork roast that night and became very excited. Then, I got home and found out that the menu LB had published online was nothing but an entanglement of fabricated lies and mistruths she had used to lure me into a false sense of anticipation only to slam the door on my dreams of consuming the other white meat as soon as I arrived home. I knew it was part of a secret ploy to show me that she is always in charge and she can manipulate even my salivary glands is she so desires. Or, Kroger was out of pork. One of those. Either way, she sent Ada and me to Pizza Hut to take advantage of the $10 pizza deal they have running right now.

On my way to Pizza Hut, I came up with an idea about how to exhort my revenge. I decided to get a Supreme rather than only pepperoni as LB had requested before I left the house. I did this for a couple reasons 1) To prove that I am my own man and not a puppet on a string. 2) It is a far superior value. We can get just pepperoni or pepperoni plus every topping they have to offer for the exact same price, it just makes financial sense. Plus, LB can take everything but the pepperonis off if she wants, but I cannot add anything if we order it the way she wanted. So, if I had ordered just pepperoni it would mean LB was being extremely selfish and I didn’t want her feeling guilty about all of this later. Obviously, I was looking out for her best interests.

While the wonderful culinary artists at Pizza Hut began work on our dinner, Ada and I sat down in the little lobby area. To our right, there was a young African American male that began talking to Ada:

Phil: (to Ada): I’m Phil. I’m eight. What’s your name?
Ada: Ada.
Phil: (to me with a confused look) Her name Aaaay-dah?
Me: Yes.
Phil: That’s weird. (back to Ada) How old are you?
Phil’s mom while on cell phone: Shut up Phil! You always bothering everybody!
Ada: (proudly holding up two fingers, clearly not bothered) I two.
Phil: What’s your favorite Michael Jackson song? Mines is “Don’t Stop til You Get Enough.”
Ada laughs hysterically. I'm not sure why.
Phil:(Again, looks at me confused)
Me: (to Phil) She’s two. She doesn't know Michael Jackson. (To Ada) Ada, can you tell Phil your favorite song.
Ada: ABCs
Phil: Oh….(singing and snapping his fingers to a beat) A-B-C easy as 1-2-3…
Phil’s Mom (still on cell phone): Phil! Shut up!
Ada: NoooooOOO…like this…(now singing)ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ next time sing with me.
Phil: Oh, that’s easy. (To me) Do you know Michael Jackson?
Me: Yes.
Phil: Did you know he had a skin condition?
Me: Yes, I did know that.
Phil: He look white.
Me: . . . .
Phil (looking at Ada): Hey, she got vampire teeth! (NOTE: Ada does have very sharp K9 teeth.)
Phil’s mom: Phil!
Phil (to me): She a vampire?
Me: Yes, but she won’t bite you.
Phil: Hey you got vampire teeth, too! (NOTE: Ada inherited her unusually sharp K9 teeth from me.) Are you a vampire, too?
Me: Yes, but I won’t bite you either. I’m the one who taught her not to bite people, so you should be pretty safe.
Phil: Does your wife have vampire teeth too?
Me: Yes, they are even longer and sharper than mine.
Phil: Do yall drink blood?
Me: We try not too. We are trying to replace our instinctual thirst for blood with tomato sauce. That’s why we’re here.
Phil: That makes sense.
Me: You don’t know how many lives Pizza Hut is saving by offering these pizzas at such affordable prices. You should be thankful they are running this deal right now.
Phil: I am now.
Me: Good.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:

Dwight Schrute: I don't have a lot experience with vampires, but I have hunted warewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.


Amanda said...

Oh my word that it funny! I'm laughing. Poor Phil will probably be afraid to sleet at night now that he knows real vampires walk among us!

Scott said...

No kidding, he probably wont be able to sleep. Especially considering he is such a huge Michael Jackson fan, so he already had dancing zombies to worry about.

Calis said...

hilarious! Sad that his mom yells at him so much, but what a great story!!

The Glovers said...

you are the funniest dude I know...

Ricky Anderson said...

I love messing with kids!

And I can see you pulling that one off with a straight face.