John is coming home.

I provided some topical background music. Just press play and continue reading.

I haven't really felt like posting since John was born and whisked away to the NICU. But John is finally coming home, so I am back.

Right now we are waiting on John to get back from getting circumcised, so I'm going to have to sleep with one eye open tonight. He's only six days old, but I am sure he is plotting his vengeance on me for letting happen what is happening right now. Also, I think I am going to forever associate Valentine's Day with John's circumcision anniversary. That should make for an interesting card. We just ran to Target while we were waiting on "the procedure" and I didn't see a Happy Valentine's Day/Circumcision Anniversary card, so for all you graphic designer types, I think I just found you a niche. You're welcome.

Speaking of Target, I thought I would tell you about the last couple trips I've made there (not counting this one). A few weeks ago LB and I went to look for her some sort of robe nightgowish something to walk around the hospital in after John was born because the hospital always give you those split back type gown things, and while hilarious, are not always the most appropriate, especially when your pastor is visiting. While in that section, I noticed this shady looking couple but didn't really think much about it. LB and I carried on with our business and after a while went to check out, which apparently the shady couple had forgotten to do. There was a police officer who had pulled them to the side and put them in handcuffs. He was rifling the girl's purse and began pulling out pairs and pairs of panties. It was crazy how many pairs she had fit in there, it was like that trick where a clown pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and it keeps coming. So, the shady couple was going to jail for stealing ladies underpants. How unfortunate. I'd hate to be that guy when the other inmates ask him what he is in for. I think I'd make something up, like how I was assaulted by three drunkards while I was escorting my pregnant wife from the bar where she works and aggressively defended myself by using lethal combatives in which special ops personnel are trained and subsequently killed one of the attackers. Then on the advice on my attorney, I pleaded guilty to first degree manslaughter and an Alabama judge sentenced me to 7-10yrs in a maximum-security Federal penitentiary because my special ops training makes me a deadly weapon. Wait a minute, that is the first 10min to Con Air. Never mind.

My other unusual Target trip... This post is getting pretty long so I will skip setting it up and just post the conversation I had as I was approached by a young overweight Asian boy:

Extremely chubby 6-8ish year old Vietnamese kid to me: I have supersonic speed.

Me: Really? You mean like Sonic the Hedgehog?

EC6-8YOVK: Who?

Me: The Sega Game.

EC6-8YOVK: A what?

Me: Never mind.

EC6-8YOVK: Do you want to see my supersonic speed?

Me: Thanks for offering, but I have to find a calendar.

EC6-8YOVK: But it is supersonic speed, it will be quick.... Get it?

Me: Did your parents teach you not to talk to strangers? Because I am one of those.

EC6-8YOVK: I’m going to run to the end of the aisle and back in under 3seconds. Here goes! Time me!

Me: I don’t think going 15 feet in 3 seconds even constitutes as supersonic speed. Yes, it is quick, but not supersonic.

EC6-8YOVK: Just time me. Ready, GO! (He just stood there and kind of twitched a little bit.) What was my time?

Me: ….37 seconds…..

EC6-8YOVK: You didn’t time me!

Me: You didn’t go anywhere.

EC6-8YOVK: Yes I did, I was just so quick you didn’t see me. (He laughed)

Me: I knew you were going to say that.

EC6-8YOVK: Nu-huh. How?

Me: I can see the future. It’s one of my superpowers. I can also communicate with certain types of marsupials and sever my thumb. See? (I did that trick where you use your left hand to make it look like you took your right thumb off.)

EC6-8YOVK: Nu-huh!

Me: Now, I have to go, I only have 20minutes to get back to work.

EC6-8YOVK: I’ll race you.

Me: No thanks.

EC6-8YOVK: While you were saying that, I ran to the where you are going and they are out, so ha ha.

Me: ……

*Blogger won't let me take out the extra spaces. After this and the whole picture not being able to enlarge fiasco a couple of weeks ago, I think blogger is out to get me. I hope John doesn't join forces with blogger after this whole circumcision thing or I may never be able to post with correct formatting again.

5 comments:

Milla said...

Oh my goodness... you are too funny. If hallmark ever comes out with valentine's/circumcision cards, I would TOTALLY send John one. Poor thing.

But seriously, I am so excited for you guys. I know you're so happy to finally bring him home!

Scott said...

Thanks Milla.

He finally got to come home and I had to come back to work today. I can't wait to get home and see him.

Ricky Anderson said...

I like how you're slightly annoyed with a kid who in all likelihood is exactly how you were like as a kid!

Thanks for linking back to this one. Don't know how I missed it.

Scott said...

Ricky, I don't know what you are talking about, I was never Asain.

Ricky Anderson said...

But you probably did stop strangers in the store and amaze them with your superpowers, right?