Why, yes, that is a Christmas beard on President Bush.It’s a Christmas miracle in the making…it’s Christmas Eve and the Christmas beard is still attached to my face. It’s filling in somewhat nicely and though it has a long way to go to actually qualify as a man-beard, we’re (the Christmas beard and me) feeling very encouraged. But more importantly, there’s been very little resistance from LB. I think going public with this campaign and gaining a swelling number of supporters has helped the Christmas beard’s cause. Or, LB just doesn’t care anymore. Either way, for the first time in a long time, we feel we can probably carry this thing through. It will be a moral victory for hairless faces everywhere.
Here’s a picture of the Christmas beard. The picture was taken about a week ago now, but not much has changed since then. The Christmas beard is special in that it is seasonally festive, plus it takes enormous amounts of time for it actually thicken. Or is it ‘fill in’? Whatever the proper beard terminology is for growing more face hair. I’m new to the beard world so there is somewhat of a language barrier. My apologies.
1) Notice the contrast in the highlighted circle on my chin versus the highlighted circle on what is supposed to be sideburns. When looking into the chin circle it’s like staring into the black infinity of outer space. However, the sideburn circle is like an aerial view of a much neglected corn field.
2) There seems to be a huge gap between the chin hair turns into sideburn hair. Its very similar to the Panama Canal. It’s like my cheek skin didn’t want to have to sail all the way around the tip of South America to get to my neck skin. Touche cheek skin.
3) The “Laura Beth” neck tattoo – LB has been trying to get me to tattoo her name on my neck ever since that girl at Chik-Fil-A gave me an extra pack of Polynesian sauce. Because, “I’m her man.” she says.
4) The tear drop tattoo – This represents the mourning I’ll eventually be in when I finally do have to depart with Christmas beard. Hopefully, I'll be able to turn it into a New Years beard
Merry Christmas beards everyone. Next year, I hope all of you grow one too because they make Santa and Jesus happy.
I’m trying to grow a Christmas beard. LB asked me why it was a called a Christmas beard. It’s because I’m festive. She can be such a curmudgeon sometimes. I started trying to grow it on December 1. And by started, I mean I continued not to shave from the previous couple of weeks. So really my Christmas beard is more of a state of mind.
LB doesn’t like it. It's like she's Target and trying to force me to call it a Holiday beard. If my Christmas beard was Whoville, she would be its Grinch. I wish I could chastise her for not supporting me, but, honestly, she’s right. If you’ll notice, I continually have to use the word “trying” when talking about my beard. I probably shouldn’t even call it a beard, it’s more just my unshaven face.
God blessed me with many things, like a beautiful wife and daughter or the ability to make my chest dance by flexing each pectoral muscle independently, but one area He decided to hold out on me was the aptitude to grow facial hair. The worst part is that’s true for only sections of my face. I can grow thick tresses on my chin, but as you go north on my face toward the sideburn area it thins extremely out. Thus, when I try to grow a beard, my face looks like an upside down version of the popular African-American hairstyle, the fade. Picture a miniaturized 1980’s Bobby Brown hanging from my nose by his feet and you are now envisioning my Christmas beard, only with a slightly different texture. (I included a picture below.)
I didn’t have a recent picture with the actually Christmas beard on my computer, so you will have to accept this artist’s rendering. But that is pretty much exactly what it looks like, except maybe a little less full on the sides in real life, browner, and more bald spots in general.
If you want to see my Christmas beard and all its splotched, misshapen glory you need to come visit soon. I don’t know if it will make it to Christmas, which I think would be a Christmas tragedy. It’d be kind of like if Ebenezer Scrooge had a heart attack before he got to meet with the Ghost of Christmas Future. OR, its exactly like that episode of Saved By the Bell when the gang was putting on a play in the middle of the mall and that homeless guy who Zack and Slater had befriended earlier in the episode DID have a heart attack, plus his homeless daughter was fired on the same day because her boss thought she had stolen that sport coat but really Kelly had put it in the back so she could buy it for the homeless daughter so she could give it to her homeless dad so he could wear it to job interviews. Now that was a Christmas tragedy. Luckily for the homeless guy and his homeless daughter, Zack & Co. was able to fix everything. Regrettably, I don’t think my Christmas beard will be that lucky.
In case you forgot that episode, I included this clip to jog your memory. And because I think Slater as Tiny Tim is pretty funny. (The firing happens at the 4min mark.):
There are several things that I've taught Ada that I am proud of. Like how to raise the roof, or how to porperly execute a chest bump, or how pound it out when we come to an agreement. But I think the thing that I am most proud of teaching her are the children catechisms.
She learned the first four right away, but then we kind of just stopped. So she only knows four right now. That's my bad. That still impresses me, considering I didn't even know what a catechism was until last year, I still have a hard time pronouncing it (cat-u-kism), and even harder time spelling it.
Last weekend, LB, Ada, and I were all hanging out Saturday morning and had the camera out, so we decided to get a video of her reciting the catechisms. The first half of the video is the catechisms, the second half is LB freestyling. I apologize in advance for the diaper and her constantly trying to remove it. Ada, that is.
I provided a written transcript below the video for all those who do not speak Two:
LB: K, look at the camera…..K, who made you?
Ada: Gawd
LB: What else did God make?
Ada: All tings.
LB: All things?
Ada: I want to take diaper off?
LB: No, don’t take your diaper off.
Ada: No I want to.
LB: Why did, why did God make you and all things?
Ada: Kis gwory
LB: His glory. And how can you bring glory to God?
Ada: ug and o bye
LB: What?
Ada: ug o bye
LB: Love and obey.
Ada: Uh-huh.
LB: What’s your name?
Ada: Nuuuh…stooop.
LB: What’s your name?
Ada: Adamoore
LB: And how old are you?
Ada: (almost inaudible whisper) I two.
LB: Aaand who’s your little brother?
Ada: completely inaudible whisper………
LB: What? Who’s your little brother? What’s his name? What’s your little brother’s name?
Ada: (hushed whisper) Poopy.
Me: Who did she say?
LB: She keeps saying poopy!?
At the beginning, it's like she was destined to be a prominent Reformed Theologian, but that went downhill quickly. The whole thing reminds me of the time I thought Ada was going to be a political savant. Then, wasn't.
If this post was a DVD this would be in the Special Features section. Apparently, being in videos has already gone to Ada's head. At about 30sec she goes all diva on us.
Picture of Ada worked in to add even more relevancy to this post. Now, it is Christmas themed and Ada themed. And yes, that is a custom designed I Heart Dad shirt that she is wearing. I heart you too, Ada.
So, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve posted anything. If I don’t do something soon I’ll get stuck in another blog rut, so I took action. There are a few things that’s happened over the last couple weeks that doesn’t warrant a whole post, so I thought I would herd them all together into one post. Like a shepherd. Because it’s Christmas. And shepherds where there when little baby Jesus was born. Ok, that was weak, but hopefully it can only get better from here.*
1) Favorite Quote: After Thanksgiving dinner with family, my sister and I were standing in the kitchen. I was eating a piece of pie that she had made whose ingredients included chocolate, cheesecake, whipped cream, and I think Oreos. It was pie and it was cheesecake. I’m not sure how she made that work, but she did and I applaud her for it. I began to tell her how magical her pie was so she told me the story of how she got the recipe:
Me: This pie is so good, it makes me want to slap my sister… I’m just kidding.
Sister: It is good isn’t it? I got the recipe from this lady at church. We had a dinner one Sunday after church and this lady brought it. I told her I had to have the recipe. She said she would bring it to church the next week. That whole week, I was like "Lord, please don’t let her die, please don’t let her die.”
Sister#2: Wait...wasn’t that Glenda...who has cancer?
Sister: Yes
2) Random Question: Should you tip the Home Depot Christmas tree guy? Normally, I wouldn’t think so, but our HDCTG was very helpful. This was my first time going with a real tree, so I was a bit nervous. Nate, walked me through the process, giving great tips like “Those are $40, but these over here are just $20 and just as good.” and “Did you know you can get new release DVDs for $10 at Wal-mart today?” After we paid and pulled the SUV around, I walked to one side of the tree to help him carry it, but before I could get a grip on it, he already had it over his shoulders, sitting on top of my car, and tied to the roof rack all while giving me a plumber’s smile. It was impressive. The tree stuff, not the low riding bluejeans. I would have given him tip if I had any cash. I would have shook his hand if his hands if his weren’t so sappy. I would have given him a belt if it wouldn’t have been so awkward. In the end, all I gave Nate was a hearty thank you, but I meant it and I think he knows that.
3) Christmas Date: Every year, LB and I go on a Christmas date. We haven’t really exchanged presents since our first year of marriage. Instead, we spend an enchanting night out on the town while a set of grandparents keep Ada. (To clarify, that is one of Ada’s actually set of grandparents. Not just a random set. We’re not that desperate. Yet.) It’s pretty formulaic: we go eat at this fancy Mexican place, then go see a movie. It’s simple, but something we never get to do so it is a treat to us. Also, by Mexican place I mean a restaurant that serves Mexican food. Not like Tijuana, which is fancy, but not simple. One more sidebar, I have strong stance against fancy expensive Mexican restaurants. I don’t think there should be any such thing as expensive Mexican food, but LB likes it and who am I to keep her from her $14 Christmas burrito.
I say all of this to get help choosing the movie. We never agree on movies so this is always a tough decision. Last year we went to see Four Christmases…FLOP. I tried to tell LB that you don’t go to the theater to see movies like that, movies that can be watched at home without taking anything away from the experience. We get to go to the movies together once a year, so we should make it worth it. This year, LB is pushing The Blind Side. I can see her point, it is a football movie so I should be all over it, but again, we can watch it on our couch and not miss anything. A movie theater trip should be reserved for action, adventure, explosions, epics...stuff that really takes advantage of an 80 foot screen and surround sound. It’s much cooler to sit in a theater and hear a helicopter fly by rather than Sandra Bullock walking past you in a pair of hills. That is why my suggestion for our Christmas date movie is Ninja Assassin. I don’t think LB is going to go for it, she doesn’t understand that ninjas make just about any scenario better. But I have a few weeks to figure something out.
*It didn’t get much better. My bad.
For fun:
