I never heard back from anyone on my survival guide for catching on fire, so I’m assuming no one has had to use it yet. Or it didn’t work. I doubt that’s the case though, I’ve had a lot of experience with fire throughout my life. I’ve participated in several bottle rocket fights and I used to like to burn milk jugs and paper plates for fun when I was younger. So, the Fire Survival Guide might as well have been stamped by a notary public.
However, this guide is based more on theory than fact. I have personally never been attacked by a vampire. Unless you count the Twilight series. I don’t. But given the fact that vampires are popping up everywhere from book shelves to the CW, I thought it might be smart to prepare a guide in case of an attack.
Before I really thought about it, I used to think I would just tell the attacking vampire that I had a highly infectious, seriously debilitating disease, so my blood was tainted and super contagious. Rookie mistake. That would never work. Vampires are already dead, so they are not threatened by swine flu blood. Wait, are vampires dead? I know zombies are, but I’m not sure about vampires. Ok, I just googled it, vampires are dead. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to get to the guide.
-Always carry a water gun filled with holy water with an attached wooden stake bayonet shaped like a crucifix that's laced in garlic. I had to get this one out of the way first.
-Wear turtle necks 24/7. Or if it’s hot outside, a dickie will work. Really, anything that obstructs easy access to your neck. People may laugh at you, but when they are all vampires and you’re not, you’ll get the last laugh. Like Noah.
-Say that you are ¼ Asian. I have never seen an Asian vampire so obviously vampires are scared of Asians. If you are Asian, just say “Boo!”
-Mention Tom Cruise. Vampires everywhere are still embarrassed at his turn in Interview with a Vampire and all the Scientology stuff. They don’t get it either. Inevitably, they will get all defensive and distracted. Try to find your chance to run into some sunlight. If it is nighttime, pull your emergency dickie out of your emergency vampire attack survival pack.
-If the vampire that is attacking you is The Count from Sesame Street your chances of survival are much greater than if it was, say, the vampire from Blade. Just point out that there are is an excessive amount of ceiling tiles and as he’s counting them, make your get away.
-If you are in an episode of Scooby-Doo, just grab the vampires face and pull. Don't worry, it is a mask. It's really the disgruntled man you met 5 minutes into the episode and he will call you meddlesome. But in the end, you will be safe.
-I saw the movie Underworld. So, I know vampires and werewolves DO NOT like each other. Say something demeaning about werewolves, like “Don’t all werewolves look the same? I can never tell them apart.” or “I wonder how many werewolf fans actually attended the university?” This should build camaraderie between you and the vampire and maybe he will spare you.
In the event of an attack, I hope these help. If they do, you don't have to thank me or anything, just pay it forward. Everyone be safe this weekend and I truly hope no one has to use this guide. If you want to be extra cautious, which is never really a bad thing, fill a squirt bottle with holy water and spritz everyone within a ten foot radius. You will be defending yourself and blessing everyone at the same time. A true Hall-o-win-win....wow, that was bad.
Halloween Special Survival Guide: Vampire Attacks
Mascots
(I wrote this last night and forgot to post it because I am a terrible blogger. One could question my sanity for writing this in a state of obvious late night delirium and then posting in a state of full awareness on Monday morning. To that, I would say one has a valid point.)
Earlier today, I watched the New England Patriots/Tampa Bay Buccaneers game that was played in London, England. I wondered if the people of London would be rooting against the Patriots, because you know, the revolution and all. I think if I were from London, I would not want the Patriots to do well. I’m pretty sure the original patriots cost England a lot in taxes, tea, land, and red coats and such. (These facts may be off. I am not a historian.) I know that was from way back in the day and all, but still, think of the inflation. Turns out the Londoners do not hold grudges like me, the crowd was full of Patriot fans and Tom Brady jerseys.
This made me feel small, so I had a moment self-reflection. I started thinking about my hatred of the New York Yankees and how I am from the south. Am I secretly bitter over the Civil War? After much thought, I really don’t think that is it because I hate the Boston Red Sox too and as far as I know there have been no wars against hosiery of any color in my family lineage. That made me feel better, until I remembered Boston is in the north too. Thankfully, I also thought of the Ole Miss Rebels and I’m not a fan of them either. So, I was thankful my hatred of the Yankees is legit and not because I’m indignant to northerners.
For the record, I really like the north and want to go there someday. They give us snow, tall buildings, the Late Show, and great lakes. I feel like I should add that I have never been north of Kentucky. Except for that time in college when we drove to Canada and back in one weekend, but we just passed throught the north so I wasn’t really there long enough to become an expert on their culture or anything. I do know their gas pumps work the same. Speaking of, why do gas pumps require you to enter your zip code? Why not your pin number? It seems it would be more unique to the specific individual that way. Oh well, I guess that is why the gasoline people are meganillionaires and I am not.
This is the reason I don’t post on the weekends, I started out talking about an NFL game and moved to my geographical exploration of the United States then to my general affections towards sections of the country. So, now I don’t really know how to end this. I think this is what they call stream of consciousness because there is now central theme. I guess the one common thread is America, so as Lee Greenwood would say, God Bless the USA!
Say it aint so
Can someone who’s creative and technologically savvy please start a viral campaign to stop this? I would be much appreciative. Fireronzook.com worked, so I am hopeful we can crush these evil aspirations of the Powers That Be who are trying to take advantage of all us little people. We just need the right person on the job.
Times like this are when I wish I had minions. Admission: I used to think minions were something used to garnish fancy dishes, like casseroles, at restaurants. However, thanks to the use of context clues, you knew that is not what minions were. Because how would a tiny piece of greenery be beneficial in this scenario? You have to admit though, a minion sounds like something you could eat. Tell me a chocolate minion wouldn’t sound delicious if you were in the mood to DQ something different.
Anyway, back to the Evil Powers trying ruin my, nay, our world. I feel like I have been duped. Like they gave their product away for free just long enough to get everyone hooked and now that they have us, they’re going to start charging. Basically, Hulu is a crack dealer. Hulu started out as good, but because of their power has now become evil, so it’s also Darth Vader. We the people, in order to form a more perfect union need to take a stand against this illegal drug peddling sci-fi icon.
I know what you are thinking, “What would William Wallace have me do under such oppression?” Luckily, I’ve paraphrased his speech to you below:
"I am William Wallace. And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as men who watch television on the internet for free. And men who watch television on the internet for free you are! What will you do without free television on the internet? Will you fight?"
"Two thousand against ten?" someone shouted. "No! We will run - and live to pay for internet television!"
"Yes!" Wallace shouted back. "Fight and you may die. Run and you will live to pay for internet television at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom to watch television on the internet for freeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Have a good weekend everyone and enjoy your free internet television. While you still have it.
Survival Guide: Catching on Fire
When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a while, long enough to lose the Pinewood Derby. I didn’t just not win, I came in dead last. I should have expected it. My dad isn’t the handiest of men, so he didn’t provide much help in the designing of my car. 8yr old Scott did the whole thing by himself. My finished product was basically a block of wood painted black with two red “racing” stripes and four wheels that wouldn’t roll down a hill. I had to push it. Hard. I am pretty sure my car was the only one in the history of the boy scouts that got stuck on the way down the ramp. They don’t give badges for that. Unfortunately.
I quit the boy scouts not long after that, but my tenure in the scouts wasn’t for naught. I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’ and try to live my life by it. Unless something comes up unexpectedly. Scout’s honor. On the topic of being prepared, I began to think about certain situations that I haven’t ever prepared myself for, but could possibly happen. The first thing that came to mind was, “what if I ever catch on fire?”
Chances are none of us will ever catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire” and among the results I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film Catch a Fire. Neither being helpful at the time, but I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Ada gets older (This is a practical example of me being prepared.) Anyway, though we don’t know the specific numbers, we do know it is a possibility and in case it does happen, I thought it would be nice to be prepared for it. So, as an act of public service, I made a survival guide on the off chance of either of us catch on fire.
NOTE: These are not tips to prevent fires, there is plenty of information out there readily available on that topic. These are tips on what to do if you find yourself actually on fire:
-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll. Identify your surroundings, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.
There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something.
My Drawrings
Now that I am an accomplished writer, and by accomplished I mean I have my own blog that I got just by signing up for, I decided to try my hand at another creative outlet...painting. Not just any kind of painting, but Microsoft Paint-ing, which according to me, is the new watercolor.
I've included my first five attempts below. They all have special meanings to me, but I don't want to ruin the experience for you. I don't want to limit you, put you in a box. You take from them what you will, draw your own conclusions and maybe we can discuss in the comments. We can compare and see if it pulled from you the emotions I was feeling when they were inspired.
Inspired by CH--CH. What's missing? U R
I love church signs. I have a lot in common with them: sincere, yet cheesy and never quite sure if people are laughing with me or at me but stand firmly planted into the ground.
These days I am very skeptical of emails forwards I get that are photos of church signs. With sites like this, anybody can make them say anything. You have to stay on your discerning toes to find real life good church signs. My favorite one to date that I know is real because I saw it with my own two eyes: Bring your sins to the altar and drop it like it's hot. Awesome.
Anyway, there is a Jiffy Lube near our house that has been adding church sign type sayings to its marquee. So far, their sayings have only been so so, but the fact that it is a Jiffy Lube rather than a church magnifies its awesomeness. I would give them my business if I didn’t change my own oil and they didn’t have a rusted out ’84 Camaro parked out front with a body lift, suspension lift, mud tires, and the Jiffy Lube logo slapped onto the door. It looks a little too Deliverance-y.
Though that Jiffy Lube hasn’t earned my business, it has successfully repeaked my interest in my once beloved church signs. Today, I thought I would take a look at some church signs that we all may have seen while driving around and spice them up a bit. I googled “church signs” and turns out the internets are full of them.
I copied some below and added my two cents on the end. My words are italicized, which really just means they are written all slanted-like. Please forgive me for anything lame or sacrilegious that may follow:
Wal-Mart is not the only place that saves. Try Big Lots.
The prayer line to heaven is never busy. Unless there is a plane crashing
somewhere.
Attitude always determines altitude. As does the blood alcoholic level of the pilot.
Happiness is an inside job. So was Watergate.
God will save you if you ask him. Unless you’re predestined to be wrong.
Those who follow the crowd soon get lost in it. Or pick pocketed.
If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms. And there would be no man nipples.
Turn or BURN. NASCAR ’09!
You can reach higher when You're on your knees. Depending which floor you are on.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. So do ax murderers.
Your words are windows to your heart. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. Like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Jones had to cross what appeared to be an impassable ravine and stepped out into seemingly thin air only to reveal a hidden walkway.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. This is way deeper than that box of chocolates one.
In prayer; expect setbacks, but refuse retreat. In Wisconsin, eat cheese.
In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period. Exclamation point
Read the Bible. It will scare the Hell out of you. Even more than The Shining.
There are two things I've learned: There is a God and I'm not Him. Oh and neither is Oprah.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope. President Obama’s hope leads to Nobel Peace Prizes.
Wise men still seek him. And have access to myrrh.
Beat the Christmas rush - come to church this Sunday. Toy sale begins immediately following our 11am service.
Is what you're living for worth dying for? Or putting on a t-shirt?
God answers Knee mail. And if you’re lucky, you’ll catch him on Knoogle Chat.
Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. According to the Priceline Negotiator
The church is prayer-conditioned with vaulted ceilings, plenty of seating, numerous bathrooms, and a full basement nestled in a quaint little community.
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. The bride will be very unappreciative.
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. Buy a digital camera.
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler. Then you can hold one end down while the other end is hanging off the desk and flick him to make that cool vibrating noise.
Christians can’t let there lights shine while locked in the closet of fear. Yet coming out of the closet presents a whole new set of problems.
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1. But if you’re pregnant don’t forget the prenatals. Or the insulin if you’re diabetic.
Disappointments are often His appointments. -Dr. Phil
The University of adversity produces graduates of character and patience. Which still does you no good in this economy.
When life knocks you to your knees, you are in position to pray. Or to Roman Greco wrestle.
Good minus God equals 0. As well as anything multiplied by 0. This is simple math, people.
The most important things in life aren't things. It’s money because that is how you get things.
Having a sharp tongue can cut your own throat. Unless you’re a magician and it is part of your act.
The Easter bunny never rose from the dead. And he hides eggs in your yard which end up stinking weeks later. Stupid Rabbit.
The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none. Or maybe that one in San Francisco that caused an earthquake during the world series.
Prayer will give you a calm-plex But I’m pretty sure they make an ointment for that.
A clear conscience makes a soft pillow. But I prefer goose feather.
Sunsets – a gift from God. Along with all-you-can-eat buffets.
Hell! . . . I’d forgotten about that! What is, the Electric Slide, Alex?
You can’t walk with God while running with the devil. Someone please inform Van Halen.
The cross is God’s final answer. Yeah, Regis!
The bread of life never goes stale so stock up at Costco.
Soul food served here. This slogan is not racist.
Sin and Pride have one thing in common.......the middle letter is I, which pointed out by sports t-shirts everywhere, is not in the word "team".
Awesome: you don’t know the meaning of the word until you meet Jesus. Or watch Gallagher’s stand up routine.
God is bigger than any church. But Joel Osteen is a close 2nd. Because he deserves it.
The worst game in the universe. Or at the least, that comes standard on Microsoft Windows.
Due to yesterday’s events, LB and Ada spent the majority of the day catching up on their rest and I had a lot of alone time. In that time by myself I learned something, I do not like Solitaire. It’s very depressing. The name even alludes to solitude, isolation, loneliness. All words with a relatively depressing motif. I am pretty sure the name originates from the two Latin words, soli meaning “to die” and taire meaning “with no friends.” I have never studied Latin.
I am a rather large introvert, and I still don’t like it. When I say rather large introvert, I mean I am way more recluse than I am a people person, not that I have to exit my house via a crane and just happen to be introverted. If I required the aid of simple machines to leave my home, I believe that my introvertness would be more a function of necessity rather than a personality trait. And I am pretty sure it just my natural personality and not forced upon me. But I don't want to get into the whole nature vs. nuture thing.
I tried describing my hatred of solitaire to LB yesterday but couldn’t put it into words. After some deep contemplating, I think I know why now. The anticipation of winning is never worth actually pulling out the win. The payoff is always anticlimactic. It’s like a movie you are really, really loving and that you are way into, but then the ending totally ruins it. Like Gigli. Honestly, when was the last time you got excited about actually wining a game of Solitaire? Or, watching a Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy?
Then when you do win and if you happen to want to commemorate the event, there is no one there to celebrate with, no one to high five. I tried high five-ing myself once after a win, but really I was just clapping for myself. So, even in winning, I was a loser.
Next time, I’m just going to play Minesweeper. Or eat something.
Update: I thought I should add that I have never actually seen Gigli. I just know that it is the only film to ever win the Razzie Grand Slam. So, I doubt it is anything like the scenerio I used to describe it. My bad.
Terrible Times
I’m home from work today taking care of my two girls. They have both been feeling run down lately and then last night Ada woke us up at 330am throwing up. As soon as we got her back in bed at around 4:45, I called my manager’s office phone and told him that I probably wasn’t coming in today. I called back at about 6 to confirm with him, he was very gracious.
What happened between 3:30 and 4:45?
Ada was crying hysterically when we went to check on her and for some reason was very attached to her kitty cat pajamas she had on. She wouldn’t let us take them off her despite them having vomit all down the front, on one of the sleeves, and on both legs of the pants. We carried her downstairs and LB had to cuddle with her, still in her stained pj’s.
Ada also had an unexplainable unquenching thirst for Curious George for it to be before 4 in the morning. This played to our advantage though because we were able to con her into taking the cat pajamas off by promising to put her Curious George pajamas on after a bath. But there was one stipulation for the bath, we had to play Curious George on the portable DVD player in the bathroom while she was taking a bath. We thought it was a small price to pay to be able to get the vomit out of her hair.
Back upstairs we went to the bath. Ada soaking, LB scrubbing, and George curiousing. That all went surprisingly smooth, until it was time to go back to bed. Ada didn’t want any part of it. We ended up, putting her in bed with us for while, with George on, to let her get calmed back down. So, at 400 this morning LB, Ada, and I were having a Curious George marathon. Don’t be jealous. LB and I had reservations about putting Ada in bed with us and watching a DVD during night night time, we feared what habits it might form, but it worked at the time and sometimes, that is all that matters.
Ada went down like a champ after about 30min in bed with us. She ended up sleeping to about 8:30. I tried to let LB sleep in longer, but she heard Ada wake up and she couldn’t stand not checking on her. We all ended up downstairs and most of the morning consisted of a lot of PBS and a lot of cuddling.
But why Terrible Times as the title of the post? I will tell you. At one point this morning, Ada had the option of watching Sesame Street with her beloved Elmo or Barney, which I didn’t even know still came on. She ended up choosing, much to my dismay, my displeasure, my wanting to stick a fork into my temple, Barney. I can’t imagine what I will do if Barney takes over the place Elmo is holding in Ada’s heart. I can only hope it was the sickness that affected her decision making process. If not, there are dark terrible times ahead.
Well, I’ve just put both the girls down for their naps, so I am going to go lie on the couch and try to catch up on some rest too. Please pray that LB and Ada would begin to feel better and that we will never have to suffer through an episode of Barney again. Thank you.
*Sorry for the use of the word vomit. I know it is a gross word, but I like it better than puke. I don't like using throw up because I believe very fervently that that is a noun, not a verb. Upchuck is the only other word I know and that just seems to grandmotherly. A million pardons.
Ada's Anthem
As you're watching, imagine Ada with her hands up in the air and waving them around like she just doesn't care...
When you go freestyle Fisher Price fire truck riding, blame it on the juice.
When you use your mom's toothbrush as a chew toy, blame it on the juice.
When you bathe yourself in Desitin, blame it on the juice.
When you use the oven handle to do pull ups, blame it on the juice.
When you go naked coffee table jumping, blame it on the juice.
When you use lipstick as war paint, blame it on the juice.
Blame it all on the a a a a a apple juice.
I would have mailed the gordito to the children if I could.
I brought a sandwich and some chips for lunch today. Then I found $3 in my desk drawer this morning. It was like Christmas. Since it is Friday, I decided I would go to Taco Bell. It was like Thanksgiving.
I looked at the menu and saw that my $3 would buy about half of it. This is why I love Taco Bell. I placed my order, she announced my total of $2.86, and I pulled up to the first window. I was happy to hand her my newly found free money, and already had my arm hanging out of the window when I got to her window.
As she was taking my money, she dropped the bomb on me. “Would you like to donate a $1 to Feed the Children?” I’m all for children eating, I really am, but I didn’t have another $1 on me. LB can attest that I always freak out at drive-thru windows. I like for our orders to be set when we get to the speaker, I like for our money to be ready, I don’t like doing double orders, or ordering anything special, so this was not a good situation for me. My mind began racing, I could have her run my debit card for $1, I could tell her to take a gordito off, but at the time it all seemed too much and there were cars backed up behind me and I was sweating. So, I just said, “No thanks.”
She looked down at me from her window as if use puppies to practice field goals. I wanted to tell her that I don’t even practice field goals, but I just sat there in my puddle of shame and stared at the floorboard.
As quickly as I could, I pulled up to the next window to wait on my food that was now tainted with disrepute. I was relieved when saw a different lady approaching with my bag, but was then thrown for another loop. She asked, “Any sauce, Sweety?” I was taken back, but I denied any sauce and accepted the food with my left hand, making sure my wedding band was very prominent.
So basically Taco Bell’s double drive-thru window is a paradox in the universe, a yin yang of good and evil. They are promoting feeding hungry children, yet 8ft away they are promoting infidelity. It was a very emotional confusing ordeal.
Thankfully, I was ok by the time I had finished my second taco. Still, it would make me feel better if anyone you go to Taco Bell this weekend, if you could give an extra dollar for me. You don’t have to do it in my name or anything, it can be anonymous, because I am not in it for the recognition. Also, you may want to brush up on the Love Dare before you go.
