I’m trying to grow a Christmas beard. LB asked me why it was a called a Christmas beard. It’s because I’m festive. She can be such a curmudgeon sometimes. I started trying to grow it on December 1. And by started, I mean I continued not to shave from the previous couple of weeks. So really my Christmas beard is more of a state of mind.
LB doesn’t like it. It's like she's Target and trying to force me to call it a Holiday beard. If my Christmas beard was Whoville, she would be its Grinch. I wish I could chastise her for not supporting me, but, honestly, she’s right. If you’ll notice, I continually have to use the word “trying” when talking about my beard. I probably shouldn’t even call it a beard, it’s more just my unshaven face.
God blessed me with many things, like a beautiful wife and daughter or the ability to make my chest dance by flexing each pectoral muscle independently, but one area He decided to hold out on me was the aptitude to grow facial hair. The worst part is that’s true for only sections of my face. I can grow thick tresses on my chin, but as you go north on my face toward the sideburn area it thins extremely out. Thus, when I try to grow a beard, my face looks like an upside down version of the popular African-American hairstyle, the fade. Picture a miniaturized 1980’s Bobby Brown hanging from my nose by his feet and you are now envisioning my Christmas beard, only with a slightly different texture. (I included a picture below.)
I didn’t have a recent picture with the actually Christmas beard on my computer, so you will have to accept this artist’s rendering. But that is pretty much exactly what it looks like, except maybe a little less full on the sides in real life, browner, and more bald spots in general.
If you want to see my Christmas beard and all its splotched, misshapen glory you need to come visit soon. I don’t know if it will make it to Christmas, which I think would be a Christmas tragedy. It’d be kind of like if Ebenezer Scrooge had a heart attack before he got to meet with the Ghost of Christmas Future. OR, its exactly like that episode of Saved By the Bell when the gang was putting on a play in the middle of the mall and that homeless guy who Zack and Slater had befriended earlier in the episode DID have a heart attack, plus his homeless daughter was fired on the same day because her boss thought she had stolen that sport coat but really Kelly had put it in the back so she could buy it for the homeless daughter so she could give it to her homeless dad so he could wear it to job interviews. Now that was a Christmas tragedy. Luckily for the homeless guy and his homeless daughter, Zack & Co. was able to fix everything. Regrettably, I don’t think my Christmas beard will be that lucky.
In case you forgot that episode, I included this clip to jog your memory. And because I think Slater as Tiny Tim is pretty funny. (The firing happens at the 4min mark.):
6 Comments:
Id trade the ability to grow a full-sized man beard for the inability to not grow anything at all in a nanosecond....i hate shaving....
Ok, under no circumstances should you shave your Christmas beard, regardless of what LB says or how stupid it looks. Christmas is about two things, Jesus and Santa, and they both had beards. I think it is a travesty when men DON'T grow beards at Christmas. Even if you can't grow one, that's fine...Santa has a full, glorious beard, while Baby Jesus barely has a beard at all. That just shows you that the full beard spectrum is a huge part of Christmas. Please keep it. I've been working on mine since the weekend after Thanksgiving, and I look like an idiot. But I don't care, it's Christmas, and Christmas is about beards.
I too am facially hair challenged. You know that whenever I try and grow a beard I look like yak hair has been glued to my face for some role as a drug addict homeless man in a Hollywood production.
I would quite literally trade one ____________ for the ability to grow a Billy Mays-thick beard.
Alas, God in his providence made me with splotchy folices.
Christmas or not, I just want you to start shaving everyday. You know this. I don't ask for much (I know you are laughing at that statement), but I stand by my stance that I would love for you to shave every single day. And you can call it a Christmas beard all day long, but I can't remember the last time you were clean shaven, so I don't think that's the correct name for it.
Thanks for the support fellas. Kyle, my problem is I am stuck in the middle. I can't grow a full sized man beard OR nothing at all.
Drama Queen, it was the week of Thanksgiving, but I will forgive you for forgetting because of the whole 'pregnancy brain' thing.
So now you are officially added to my blogroll, which means the 2 people (my wife and mom) who read my blog will have instant access to all that is Scottdom.
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