Survival Guide: Catching on Fire

When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a while, long enough to lose the Pinewood Derby. I didn’t just not win, I came in dead last. I should have expected it. My dad isn’t the handiest of men, so he didn’t provide much help in the designing my car. 8yr old Scott did the whole thing by himself. My finished product was basically a block of wood painted black with two red “racing” stripes and four wheels that wouldn’t roll down a hill. I had to push it. Hard. I am pretty sure my car was the only one in the history of the boy scouts that got stuck on the way down the ramp. They don’t give badges for that. Unfortunately.

I quit the boy scouts not long after that, but my tenure in the scouts wasn’t for naught. I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’ and try to live my life by it. Unless something comes up unexpectedly. Scout’s honor. On the topic of being prepared, I began to think about certain situations that I haven’t ever prepared myself for, but could possibly happen. The first thing that came to mind was, “what if I ever catch on fire?”

Chances are none of us will ever catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire” and among the results I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film Catch a Fire. Neither being helpful at the time, but I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Ada gets older (This is a practical example of me being prepared.) Anyway, though we don’t know the specific numbers, we do know it is a possibility and in case it does happen, I thought it would be nice to be prepared for it. So, as an act of public service, I made a survival guide on the off chance of either of us catch on fire.

NOTE: These are not tips to prevent fires, there is plenty of information out there readily available on that topic. These are tips on what to do if you find yourself actually on fire:

-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll. Identify your surroundings, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.

There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something.