Birds

I think I have a new super power beginning to develop. I haven’t figured out exactly what it is, much less perfected it, but there is definitely something brewing. I feel like the people on Heroes in the pilot episode. Maybe you can help me evaluate this, so I don’t have to stick my hand down a garbage disposal. Over the past couple weeks, I have had quite a few unusual interactions with birds.

It all started a few weeks back. One afternoon as LB was heading out to tutor she told me that Ada had been stuck inside all day, so I decided to get her out of the house. It had been raining so the park was out of the question. I got creative and took her to Petsmart. She loves ‘goggies’ and ‘meows’, so I thought she would really enjoy it. In a surprising turn of events, we stood in front of the bird cages the entire time, about 30-45min. Ada doing her best bird impressions all the while. She grew very fond of the birds and didn’t even want to go see the dogs when I asked her. She cried like it was the ending credits of Sesame Street when it was time to go. That must have been when the initial connection was made.

Fast forward a week later, I was driving home from work and there was a large flock of birds flying above when without warning they dove directly towards me. The whole flock. Miraculously I didn’t hit any of them. It was like Moses parted them right as they got to me so I was driving through the Red Sea of Birds. At the time I didn’t consider it a mean spirited attempt. In fact, I think it was more of a symbol of union between me and the bird race.

Unfortunately, this is where things turn sour. The birds must have been trying to convey something to me. But since this was one of my newer powers, I hadn’t had a chance to cultivate my bird telekinesis and was never able to decipher whatever message they had tried to send. I had misunderstood their acts as a type of bird friendship bracelet but apparently it was intended as much more than that. The fact that I made this mistake caused great anger in the birds toward me.

I hoped I hadn’t blown my chances to befriend the bird species. I can only think of advantages to having birds as allies. However things are not looking good.

Since that day, I have had several kamikaze birds attempt to slam into my windshield. I am not joking, there have been about 4-5 birds in the past week or so that have flung themselves straight at me while on my drive home from work. Thankfully due to Nissan’s precise aerodynamic design of the 2001 Altima, they have yet to be successful. I think they may have given up on trying to get to me this way and have begun targeting my loved ones. I was on the phone with my mom just this weekend. She was on her cell driving along when suddenly I heard a loud thump and my mom let out a small shrill of terror. A bird had banged into her windshield. She was able to speed off and avoid any harm, but this left me wondering. Had they sensed me through the phone? This was beginning to get scary.

If this hadn’t confirmed the birds were gunning for me, what happened yesterday when I got home from work will. As I pulled onto our street I noticed from about three houses away there was something in the middle of our driveway. I couldn’t tell what it was until I pulled up beside it. Goose poop. There was goose poop in my driveway. None of the other neighbors had goose poop in their driveways, so I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. The weirdest thing about this is there are no bodies of water even remotely close to our neighborhood. Don’t geese live near water? I remembered a set of railroad tracks about a half mile away, so I can only imagine this Goose Assassin hopped a car in Canada, traveled south, and jumped off in our town just to leave me this present in the driveway. You have to admire that type of dedication.

I am still trying to figure out what I did to these birds. (It's possible my one arch nemesis may have gotten in touch with them.) I am a peaceful person and desire to have no enemies. I would love nothing more than to become more acquainted with these birds so we could hang out, get to know one another, even come up with secret hand/wingshake. We could all be buddies, maybe join forces like Han Solo and Chewy. I would imagine having birds as associates would come in handy in the event of the universe being oppressed by the evil Galactic Empire, another World War, a nuclear fallout, or some other catastrophic event where there is a mass loss of communications. I have always thought of the messenger pigeon in same light as the way of the samurai, a lost art.

I wanted to let all of you know about this in case I can’t figure out how to become the bird whisperer. You can see these birds are very dedicated and are not afraid to go after my friends and family. I will do my part to make amends with them, but until then, be careful out there. Heed this post as a warning. If you know me, you may want to trade in that boxy SUV for something a little more streamline, at the very least wear a head covering when you go outside.