We're at the hospital and John is officially on the way. However, I'm updating LB's blog for her instead of doing my own post because that is the type of husband I am. Giving. If you want to check out her blog, I included a link for you here because that is the type of blogger I am. Considerate.
The main reason I am posting this is to have something about John, rather than LOST, up so everyone can tell me how giving and considerate I am. Or probably more realistically, how awesome John is.
I'm pretty sure anyone who reads my blog, probably reads lb's, but I thought just in case, I would include this latest update I posted on her blog:
UPDATEDx9: Ok, sorry for taking so long to update. I'm working on 37hrs of no sleep and 11hrs of no eating. LB is in pretty much the same state except for birthing a human today, which from what I can gather, is quite taxing. LB is doing well. We had a slight setback with John though. He suffered a pneumothorax, which is extra air in the chest cavity due a hole in his lung. It was scary for us but not as bad as it sounds. He wasn't born with the hole there, but did it to himself. Basically he took an overzealous first breath when switching over from breathing fluids to breathing air and popped his own lung. The air is seeping out of that hole and forcing things to go where they're not suppose in his chest. That's about as scientific as I can get and I don't even know if that is totally correct, I kind of just wanted to use the word seeping. The docs were saying it's pretty common, but when they were taking him to a special treatment area and putting one of those face mask type deals on his head to help him breathe, that did not make me feel better. They were saying it probably happens a lot more than we know about, they just don't catch it. I thought when they said that it wasn't really helping their case or making me feel any better. Anyway, the good news is, barring any infections he should be good to go within a 3-5 days because God crazy smart and made lungs so that they can repair themselve. They also said that there should be no long lasting effects, once its healed it, its healed. Of course anything could happen so we greatly desire your prays.
Right now John is hanging out in the NICU looking all handsome and suave even with a mini greenhouse over his head. LB is at the hospital with her sister Sarah. And I'm at home with my parents, sister, and LB's mom. I'm not sure what is going on downstairs though because I am in bed hoping to put an end to this 37 hour non sleep marathon. Also, as I just mentioned it has been a while since I have slept so there is a slight chance everything I just wrote doesn't make sense. If that is the case, my bad. I don't feel like going back and proofreading it all. I'm sure LB will be back soon with her eloquent well manicured prose to clear everything up. Good night.
The John Post
Happy LOST Day!
I've probably spent too much time looking up LOST related stuff these past couple weeks getting ready for the premier tonight. However, you get to reap the benefits of me wasting my life on the internet because I have compiled a list of some of the good stuff I've found. Enjoy.
1) Long Live Locke - If you like reading recaps after an episode, bookmark this site. This is my favorite LOST recap/analysis site. Plus, she HATES spoilers as much as I do. Also, she sent me one of the t-shirts she had made up once, so I posted a picture of me modeling it:
2) The Lost Subway System: You have to go the site to appreciate the detail.
3) Lost Connections: interactive screen where you can mouse over characters and see their random connections to one another. Basically, it's the Kevin Bacon game with LOST.
4)The Final Season of LOST Promises to Make Fans Even MORE Annoying (via The Onion):
Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever
5) Lost Parody song: Answers
6) Lost crash scene in real time: 10min, but worth it.
7) LOST Untangled: 5 Seasons in 5 Minutes:
Pregnancy is Hard
So, Ada Week was a flop. I did one post. I had more in mind, like an Ada look-a-like post where I was going to post a few side by sides of Ada and someone famous. Here is one example:
LB has been having contractions for about 6 days in a row now. Crazy. (True story: when I was little, I used to think when a woman was having contractions, she was having some sort of grammar related issue that was really frustrating because it made her scream a lot. I wondered how one could be so passionate about syntax.) Every time LB has a contraction, it makes her think of something else that needs to be cleaned. We have this master to-do list that we are trying to knock out before John gets here but every time I finish something on it and go to mark it off the list, I see at least 3 more things that have been added since the last I checked it. So, we really want John to get here soon, but LB really wants everything on the list to be finished before he gets here, but for him to get here she has to have contractions, but with every contraction something gets added to the list. Its a big circle of madness that has to be stopped before John creates some sort of wormhole.
Speaking of wormholes and space/time continuums, John is not allowed to come tomorrow night. The Lost season 6 premiere is finally here. Also, its 2 hours long. If you are not excited about this, we are not as good of friends as we were when you started reading this.
Nameste.
Ada Week: Day 1 - Evel Knievel Ada
Don't mind the toplessness, it increases her aerodynamics.
This is what we do for fun, sometimes.
Notice the Christmas beard? Because of my business world background, I was able to negotiate a deal with LB so it is staying until John is born. But I can't go into detail on that during Ada Week, so more on that later.
Also, LB wanted me to add that the real reason Ada didn't have a shirt on is because she had just eaten spaghetti and Ada requested to take it off because it was messy. I called shenanigans on LB for impartiality, she never lets me do that when we go to the Olive Garden.
Ada Week
Last night LB thought she might be in labor. Sort of. She said, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was going into labor." Unfortunately, she did know better. We are still waiting on John.
However, that did get me thinking. Ada has had free reign here at the blog for a while now, but it won’t be that way much longer. We’ve spent a lot time preparing Ada for Baby John coming to live with us, invading her life, and forcing her have to share her toys, her life and her mom. Unfortunately, I haven’t prepared for her for sharing the blog. I’m not sure how she is going to handle it, she'll be devastated I'm sure.
A few months ago, I vowed to post about Ada but have kind of failed at that, so I am going to make it all up to her this week. Today starts Ada Week. It’s kind of like Shark Week, only with less ferociousness and more adorableness. For example, yesterday I got a haircut. When I got home Ada was still taking her nap. An hour or so later she woke so I went to her get. When she saw me she said “Hey, Haircut!” and referred me Haircut for the rest of the day.
I don’t have anything planned out at this point because I am basically posting this out of anxiety of John being born and guilt for not living up to promise of posting about Ada, but I’m pretty sure I can come up with something, because Ada is pretty
"Awesome."
Continuing the LOST Preperation
I found this on Jorge Garcia's blog. If you want to check out his blog he's in The Circle of Trust over on the right sidebar. If you have a blog and your are not in The Circle of Trust, let me know and I will add you. If I trust you.
Also, unrelated, please take a moment of your time to go participate in this very worthwhile poll.
Happy LOSTing.
UPDATED: For BowenOwens and Calis.
My solution? Create a whole new post. Of course. Because I care about my readers and there are no limits to how far I will go for you. Unless I am tired, or there's something good on TV. But for the most part I am here for you. Anyway, here you go:
Honestly, this didn't deserve it's own post.
UPDATED: The LOSTies Order a Pizza
Kate:
1) Look up the number for Pizza Hut.
2) Then look up the number for Dominoes.
3) Decide to go back to Pizza Hut.
4) Then back to Dominoes.
5) Back to Pizza Hut.
6) Dominoes.
Sayid:
1) Construct a phone from the remains of a coconut and the inner workings of Jin’s gold watch.
2) Call to inquire about any specials (reluctantly interrogate/torture pizza place employee for best deal if it means helping friends in the end.)
3) Sport black tank top and dark flowing locks.
Hurley:
1) Call around to find out which pizza place has the longest buffet hours.
2) Go there.
Jack:
1) For no reason at all, pizza place employees seem to consult you before every decision.
2) Scream violently at all employees and decide to make the pizza yourself.
3) Do not slice the pizza because “We live together, die alone.”
4) Eat it resentfully while scowling and contemplating the next move to get out of the pizza place.
1) Because there are no readily available utensils, have Jack slice your pizza by slamming it in the oven door.
Ben:
1) Eat another character’s pizza.
2) Finagle them into believing they actually ordered the pizza for you.
3) Persuade them that if they order you another pizza, you will tell them everything you know.
4) Stare at them all bug-eyed and smile coyly out of the side of your mouth when they are not looking.
Sawyer:
1) Stop reading whatever classic novel that you’ve happened to run upon across.
2) Fervently demand to anyone in a close range proximity that “You don’t need no pizza!”
3) Secretly order pizza to keep for yourself, and while talking to pizza place employee on the phone call them several witty nicknames that you seemingly make up on the fly.
Jin:
1) Call pizza place and speak Korean words.
2) Become incredibly frustrated, and still away to catch your own pizza for you and your spouse.
3) Call back a few weeks later and order a pizza in perfect English.
Locke:
1) Angrily hang up on pizza place because they said you can’t get stuffed crust on a personal pan pizza and “No one tells you what you can’t do!”
2) Sit at home and BELIEVE that a pizza will appear on the table on its own.
3) Give up, lose all faith and put a frozen pizza in the oven.
4) Come to realize that the frozen pizza wanted you to put it the oven the whole time and was merely using you as a pawn.
5) Blow up everyone else’s ovens because you know they will suffer the same fate.
Desmond:
1) Unbutton your shirt about halfway down.
2) Refer to your pizza as “brotha”.
Michael:
1) Go to Papa John’s and ask if any has seen Walt!!
2) Go to Little Caesar’s and ask if anyone has seen Waalt!!!
3) Go into the parking lot look up toward the sky with outstretched arms and scream Waaaaaaalt!!!!
4) Find Walt eating pizza with John Locke and tell him to never eat pizza with John Locke again.
Charlie:
1) Tape all your knuckles and write “Hot Pizza” in black sharpie across them.
2) Give Claire and empty pizza box containing an imaginary pizza, then serenade her with “You All Everybody”
3) See that your friends have called what they thought was a pizza place but in reality it was not a pizza place at all. It was actually an ocean liner full of contracted military personnel determined to kill everyone, so as an ultimate sacrifice you somehow lock yourself in a room filled with water, effectively drowning yourself, to save everyone and with your last gasps of breath you scribble onto the palm of your hand “Not the pizza place” which confuses everyone because they don’t know exactly what you meant by that and when there’s a large group of people gathered there are bound to be several differing opinions on the message you were trying to convey. Unfortunately, in the end, this selfless act fails to keep the malicious pizza delivery guys with machine guns away from your friends. Sad.
Also, I made a cartoon:
I know this isn't funny, but it took about 30min of my lunch break to make so I 'm posting it anyway.
Number 13. Or less, depending on who you ask...
I’ve listened to sports talk radio all day and I've read all the major sports websites just to see it in print. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real, so it’s nice to have that confirmation. This is my sports mountain top. There isn't anything else in any other sport that would feel as good as this does.
Because I know I couldn’t find the words to properly express how I’m feeling and because I am pretty sure dudes aren’t suppose to express their feelings, I tried to make a visual representation. I'm not sure what it is a representation of...maybe awesomeness? That's what I will go with anyway:
This has nothing to with football, but I still think it is pretty awesome.
Have a great weekend everyone and don't forget your snowchains.
2010 Resolutions
I never do resolutions. I’m already prone to not finish things I start, so why encourage myself to fail? But the other day, I was walking through Barnes and Noble and saw Joel Osteen’s new book: Your Time is Now. I saw his big smiling face and knew if I believed, anything was possible so I was all “you’re right Joel, my time is now!” and I sat down to come up with my resolutions for the new year. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to think of any before the nice B&N employee asked me to move because I was blocking the aisles.
When I got home and restarted my list, I was just going to give my self easy ones that I knew I could complete, like to blink sometimes, to think about pterodactyls on occasion, or to continue not doing meth. At first, all of them seemed pretty easy and had various health benefits, but the more I thought about it the more they seemed to be cheating somehow. So, I came up with a few official ones:
1) Read 1 book a month. I can do that, right? I’m already over halfway through my first one, so I like my chances. But come December, if it looks like I’m not going to make it, I will just pull out a few of my old Choose Your Own Adventure books. I usually died after about the second decision I had to make in those, so I could knock a ton out pretty quickly.
2) Run in at least 6 5k’s. That may not sound like much, but considering I have only run 1 in the last 28yrs, it’s quite the lofty goal for me. I’m in the 2nd week of the Couch to 5k 9 week training program, so come March I hope to be 1/6 of my way through this one. Apparently, some people are natural runners. I am not one of those. I also don’t believe that there is a such thing as a ‘runner’s high’. I think skinny people made it up give people like me something to strive for. Whatever, skinny people, I’m not falling for it.
Also, when you run do you wonder if people are looking at you, judging you? I do. Mostly because I do that to people I see running. As a result, I’m a very self conscience runner. When I run, I always start out strong, but cars never seem to be passing me so no one sees me when I’m at my best. But near the end, when I’m running like a tranquilized circus bear, I always seem to be running by a line of cars stopped at a red light. I can sense them peering sympathetically out their windows. They’re only there for a brief moment but we entire conversations with our eyes:
Passer-by: You poor, poor man.
Me: I know.
PB: Do you actually consider that running?
Me: Unfortunately.
PB: Maybe try some insertable arch supports? Or water aerobics?
Me: I can’t swim either. I mean I can float, I’m very buoyant, but that’s about all I got.
PB: That would probably be a faster mode of transportation. Floating.
Me: Yeah, but it’s not very cardio.
PB: Neither is that.
Me: …
Then I hang my head, trying not to make eye contact with any other passing motorists as to avoid repeating the same shameful conversation.
3) Blink sometimes. Just in case…
Next year, I think I am resolving to never make resolutions again. No matter what Joel Osteen says.
Merry Christmas from Ada and W
Why, yes, that is a Christmas beard on President Bush.Merry Christmas from Ada and W. Also, just like the Thanksgiving/Jimmy Snuka picture, I thought I should let you know the above scene never really happened, Ada has never been pantsless in the Oval Office. But, if G-dub and Ada ever did hang out in the White House, I think they would spend a wonderful afternoon eating Christmas cookies and watching the 24 hour A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.
The Christmas Beard: An Update
It’s a Christmas miracle in the making…it’s Christmas Eve and the Christmas beard is still attached to my face. It’s filling in somewhat nicely and though it has a long way to go to actually qualify as a man-beard, we’re (the Christmas beard and me) feeling very encouraged. But more importantly, there’s been very little resistance from LB. I think going public with this campaign and gaining a swelling number of supporters has helped the Christmas beard’s cause. Or, LB just doesn’t care anymore. Either way, for the first time in a long time, we feel we can probably carry this thing through. It will be a moral victory for hairless faces everywhere.
Here’s a picture of the Christmas beard. The picture was taken about a week ago now, but not much has changed since then. The Christmas beard is special in that it is seasonally festive, plus it takes enormous amounts of time for it actually thicken. Or is it ‘fill in’? Whatever the proper beard terminology is for growing more face hair. I’m new to the beard world so there is somewhat of a language barrier. My apologies.
1) Notice the contrast in the highlighted circle on my chin versus the highlighted circle on what is supposed to be sideburns. When looking into the chin circle it’s like staring into the black infinity of outer space. However, the sideburn circle is like an aerial view of a much neglected corn field.
2) There seems to be a huge gap between the chin hair turns into sideburn hair. Its very similar to the Panama Canal. It’s like my cheek skin didn’t want to have to sail all the way around the tip of South America to get to my neck skin. Touche cheek skin.
3) The “Laura Beth” neck tattoo – LB has been trying to get me to tattoo her name on my neck ever since that girl at Chik-Fil-A gave me an extra pack of Polynesian sauce. Because, “I’m her man.” she says.
4) The tear drop tattoo – This represents the mourning I’ll eventually be in when I finally do have to depart with Christmas beard. Hopefully, I'll be able to turn it into a New Years beard
Merry Christmas beards everyone. Next year, I hope all of you grow one too because they make Santa and Jesus happy.
The Christmas Beard
I’m trying to grow a Christmas beard. LB asked me why it was a called a Christmas beard. It’s because I’m festive. She can be such a curmudgeon sometimes. I started trying to grow it on December 1. And by started, I mean I continued not to shave from the previous couple of weeks. So really my Christmas beard is more of a state of mind.
LB doesn’t like it. It's like she's Target and trying to force me to call it a Holiday beard. If my Christmas beard was Whoville, she would be its Grinch. I wish I could chastise her for not supporting me, but, honestly, she’s right. If you’ll notice, I continually have to use the word “trying” when talking about my beard. I probably shouldn’t even call it a beard, it’s more just my unshaven face.
God blessed me with many things, like a beautiful wife and daughter or the ability to make my chest dance by flexing each pectoral muscle independently, but one area He decided to hold out on me was the aptitude to grow facial hair. The worst part is that’s true for only sections of my face. I can grow thick tresses on my chin, but as you go north on my face toward the sideburn area it thins extremely out. Thus, when I try to grow a beard, my face looks like an upside down version of the popular African-American hairstyle, the fade. Picture a miniaturized 1980’s Bobby Brown hanging from my nose by his feet and you are now envisioning my Christmas beard, only with a slightly different texture. (I included a picture below.)
I didn’t have a recent picture with the actually Christmas beard on my computer, so you will have to accept this artist’s rendering. But that is pretty much exactly what it looks like, except maybe a little less full on the sides in real life, browner, and more bald spots in general.
If you want to see my Christmas beard and all its splotched, misshapen glory you need to come visit soon. I don’t know if it will make it to Christmas, which I think would be a Christmas tragedy. It’d be kind of like if Ebenezer Scrooge had a heart attack before he got to meet with the Ghost of Christmas Future. OR, its exactly like that episode of Saved By the Bell when the gang was putting on a play in the middle of the mall and that homeless guy who Zack and Slater had befriended earlier in the episode DID have a heart attack, plus his homeless daughter was fired on the same day because her boss thought she had stolen that sport coat but really Kelly had put it in the back so she could buy it for the homeless daughter so she could give it to her homeless dad so he could wear it to job interviews. Now that was a Christmas tragedy. Luckily for the homeless guy and his homeless daughter, Zack & Co. was able to fix everything. Regrettably, I don’t think my Christmas beard will be that lucky.
In case you forgot that episode, I included this clip to jog your memory. And because I think Slater as Tiny Tim is pretty funny. (The firing happens at the 4min mark.):
Ada’s Catechisms.
There are several things that I've taught Ada that I am proud of. Like how to raise the roof, or how to porperly execute a chest bump, or how pound it out when we come to an agreement. But I think the thing that I am most proud of teaching her are the children catechisms.
She learned the first four right away, but then we kind of just stopped. So she only knows four right now. That's my bad. That still impresses me, considering I didn't even know what a catechism was until last year, I still have a hard time pronouncing it (cat-u-kism), and even harder time spelling it.
Last weekend, LB, Ada, and I were all hanging out Saturday morning and had the camera out, so we decided to get a video of her reciting the catechisms. The first half of the video is the catechisms, the second half is LB freestyling. I apologize in advance for the diaper and her constantly trying to remove it. Ada, that is.
I provided a written transcript below the video for all those who do not speak Two:
LB: K, look at the camera…..K, who made you?
Ada: Gawd
LB: What else did God make?
Ada: All tings.
LB: All things?
Ada: I want to take diaper off?
LB: No, don’t take your diaper off.
Ada: No I want to.
LB: Why did, why did God make you and all things?
Ada: Kis gwory
LB: His glory. And how can you bring glory to God?
Ada: ug and o bye
LB: What?
Ada: ug o bye
LB: Love and obey.
Ada: Uh-huh.
LB: What’s your name?
Ada: Nuuuh…stooop.
LB: What’s your name?
Ada: Adamoore
LB: And how old are you?
Ada: (almost inaudible whisper) I two.
LB: Aaand who’s your little brother?
Ada: completely inaudible whisper………
LB: What? Who’s your little brother? What’s his name? What’s your little brother’s name?
Ada: (hushed whisper) Poopy.
Me: Who did she say?
LB: She keeps saying poopy!?
At the beginning, it's like she was destined to be a prominent Reformed Theologian, but that went downhill quickly. The whole thing reminds me of the time I thought Ada was going to be a political savant. Then, wasn't.
If this post was a DVD this would be in the Special Features section. Apparently, being in videos has already gone to Ada's head. At about 30sec she goes all diva on us.
Christmas Tross
I blame this on you. Whether your intentions are pure and holy or evil and sinister, this is your fault. You take Christ out of Christmas, they put him right back in. And then some.
Picture of Ada worked in to add even more relevancy to this post. Now, it is Christmas themed and Ada themed. And yes, that is a custom designed I Heart Dad shirt that she is wearing. I heart you too, Ada.
Holiday Hodgepodge
So, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve posted anything. If I don’t do something soon I’ll get stuck in another blog rut, so I took action. There are a few things that’s happened over the last couple weeks that doesn’t warrant a whole post, so I thought I would herd them all together into one post. Like a shepherd. Because it’s Christmas. And shepherds where there when little baby Jesus was born. Ok, that was weak, but hopefully it can only get better from here.*
1) Favorite Quote: After Thanksgiving dinner with family, my sister and I were standing in the kitchen. I was eating a piece of pie that she had made whose ingredients included chocolate, cheesecake, whipped cream, and I think Oreos. It was pie and it was cheesecake. I’m not sure how she made that work, but she did and I applaud her for it. I began to tell her how magical her pie was so she told me the story of how she got the recipe:
Me: This pie is so good, it makes me want to slap my sister… I’m just kidding.
Sister: It is good isn’t it? I got the recipe from this lady at church. We had a dinner one Sunday after church and this lady brought it. I told her I had to have the recipe. She said she would bring it to church the next week. That whole week, I was like "Lord, please don’t let her die, please don’t let her die.”
Sister#2: Wait...wasn’t that Glenda...who has cancer?
Sister: Yes
2) Random Question: Should you tip the Home Depot Christmas tree guy? Normally, I wouldn’t think so, but our HDCTG was very helpful. This was my first time going with a real tree, so I was a bit nervous. Nate, walked me through the process, giving great tips like “Those are $40, but these over here are just $20 and just as good.” and “Did you know you can get new release DVDs for $10 at Wal-mart today?” After we paid and pulled the SUV around, I walked to one side of the tree to help him carry it, but before I could get a grip on it, he already had it over his shoulders, sitting on top of my car, and tied to the roof rack all while giving me a plumber’s smile. It was impressive. The tree stuff, not the low riding bluejeans. I would have given him tip if I had any cash. I would have shook his hand if his hands if his weren’t so sappy. I would have given him a belt if it wouldn’t have been so awkward. In the end, all I gave Nate was a hearty thank you, but I meant it and I think he knows that.
3) Christmas Date: Every year, LB and I go on a Christmas date. We haven’t really exchanged presents since our first year of marriage. Instead, we spend an enchanting night out on the town while a set of grandparents keep Ada. (To clarify, that is one of Ada’s actually set of grandparents. Not just a random set. We’re not that desperate. Yet.) It’s pretty formulaic: we go eat at this fancy Mexican place, then go see a movie. It’s simple, but something we never get to do so it is a treat to us. Also, by Mexican place I mean a restaurant that serves Mexican food. Not like Tijuana, which is fancy, but not simple. One more sidebar, I have strong stance against fancy expensive Mexican restaurants. I don’t think there should be any such thing as expensive Mexican food, but LB likes it and who am I to keep her from her $14 Christmas burrito.
I say all of this to get help choosing the movie. We never agree on movies so this is always a tough decision. Last year we went to see Four Christmases…FLOP. I tried to tell LB that you don’t go to the theater to see movies like that, movies that can be watched at home without taking anything away from the experience. We get to go to the movies together once a year, so we should make it worth it. This year, LB is pushing The Blind Side. I can see her point, it is a football movie so I should be all over it, but again, we can watch it on our couch and not miss anything. A movie theater trip should be reserved for action, adventure, explosions, epics...stuff that really takes advantage of an 80 foot screen and surround sound. It’s much cooler to sit in a theater and hear a helicopter fly by rather than Sandra Bullock walking past you in a pair of hills. That is why my suggestion for our Christmas date movie is Ninja Assassin. I don’t think LB is going to go for it, she doesn’t understand that ninjas make just about any scenario better. But I have a few weeks to figure something out.
*It didn’t get much better. My bad.
For fun:
Happy Thanksgiving from Ada and Jimmy Superfly Snuka
Click to see Ada in all her high flying glory. And the intricate leopard print detail in Superfly's spandex. Warning: One of those is cuter than the other.May your Thankgiving be happier than that guy on the mat. Also, I don't want to confuse anyone so I feel like I need to let everyone know that Ada and Jimmy Snuka have never actually shared the squared circle together. This is an artist's rendering of how the situation might look. But if they had been a real WWF tag team, there's no doubt there would have been all kinds of records broken. Like Tim Tebow, only fake. But I'm sure Ada would have worn those black strips under her eyes with bible verses printed on them and would be atop the Google trending topics the next day after a championship match leading people to Christ by merely trying to protect her eyes from glares.
Letters
Dear Ikea Coffee Table,
I know you haven’t been in our living room very long, but you can’t put constraints such as time on our relationship. In a store the size of a small country, we picked you over all the other coffee tables. We hung out late that night the day we brought you home while I knit you together using the prepackaged hardware kit you so graciously provided. Just you and me, bonding over sweet tea, Cheez’um Pringles, Allen wrenches, and a little MacGyver season 2 on TV on DVD. It was wonderful, we were forming the perfect relationship: you helped me feel like a man by allowing me to build something, I helped you feel like a table by connecting four legs to a flat surface. Everything was going great, after a little time you became a great place to store my pizza rolls during football games and I never let Ada climb on you…we were clicking.
Then out of nowhere, 3 times in the past week you’ve stubbed my toe? What gives? Did I forget to take my shoes off before propping my feet on you? If so, I’m sorry. I really am Ikea Coffee Table, but this can’t continue to happen.
I have seen some Youtube clips of people breaking tables with their foreheads and I went to a Power Team presentation when I was younger. Is that a threat? Your call. I’m just saying, you were only $60 and we bought you with a gift card, so choose wisely my friend.
I’m not bluffing,
Scott
Dear Big Toe on My Left Foot,
I wrote Ikea Coffee Table a letter. I don’t like confrontation and am never really good at it. I’m nervous I may have been too harsh. I’ll let you know what he says. Hope you feel better soon.
Condolences,
Scott
Dear 8th Grade Timberland Boots,
We had a great run didn’t we? I still remember the day I brought you home. I also bought my first Gin Blossoms CD that day. It was a good day and I was very excited. I knew that next Monday at school, my coolness factor was going to be upped ten fold and I knew that coolness would last forever as long as I never wore you with shorts. And don’t worry, I know that it was no coincidence that the next week Coach Hester named me a starter on the JV football team.
You must be surprised getting this letter out of the blue like this, but I just wanted to write and let you know how thankful I was for you and that I never took you for granted. Some recent things have happened with someone close to me, I won’t name names, but will just say I thought they were solid and now they keep trying to trip me up. It has caused me to reevaluate some things. So, I wanted to make sure you know I am sorry.
I’m sorry that after all you gave me I let LB talk me into just giving you away to Goodwill. She was pregnant and all crazy and hormonal at the time and I think it was something that she called a “nesting effect.” Whatever it was, obviously her judgment was impaired. (BTW, we’re expecting our second now!)
Anyway, I hope you have forgiven me and are making someone else’s feet look awesome this very minute. If not, I hope you at least have a nice pair of Birkenstocks to hang out with.
Thanks for the memories,
Scott
Dear Hawaiian Sno-Ball In Front of the Piggly Wiggly On Sunset Dr.,
I don’t think I told you enough in high school, but you are awesome. I apologize for not telling you more than I did, but that was back when I was a teenager and thought I was better than everyone and knew that I was cooler. So, it’s really 8th Grade Timberland Boots fault. But anyway, I have grown up a lot since then and have really matured. Or at least gotten older.
Remember that time I got a ticket while in your parking lot? It was for going 49 in a 35 which was kind of lame. But you know what wasn’t lame? The large strawberry shortcake with extra cream I got right afterwards. I won’t lie, it was a bit awkward waiting in line right behind the officer that had just given me a ticket, but that is what you do, you bring people together. Your icy fruitiness is tasty enough to mend all burned bridges.
One thing I always wanted to ask you though, why did you charge $.25 to get “cream”? You called it cream, but everyone knew it is just condensed milk you can get 2 for $1 at the grocery store that you just put in your fancy squirt bottle. I understand that it’s a business and you had your bottom line to think about and that is understandable, but I always felt a little cheated. I’m just being honest and vulnerable here because I feel like it is important for a man and his Hawaiian shaved ice provider to have an open relationship.
Anyway, I would still get the extra cream if I had a chance today. It was worth it. I guess that is why you did it. You're smart Hawaiian Sno-Ball In Front of the Piggly Wiggly On Sunset Dr., you always were.
Stay cool,
Scott
UPDATED: Friday Confessions: 2
For a bit lengthier explanation of my Friday Confessions see here, but basically this my way of getting back at myself for involuntarily constantly pestering LB. To LB: I'm sorry.
This week's FC:
I made a wordle.
That seems weak to only give you that, since you probably already knew it. I guess I should add that I kind of enjoyed it...
UPDATE: I posted this a couple of hours ago, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it still wasn't enough embarrassing information, or embarrassing enough information, however you want to look at it. So I wanted to add something else. I tried to come up with something else that was borderline embarrassing but not too much so, hoping that two minor things would equate to one major. That was kind of hard to do but I think I got it...sometimes I hold a competition with myself to try and put my socks and shoes on all while standing up. Rules: 1) One foot on the floor at all times 2) No leaning on the wall 3) No excuses
Satan made an appearance. Asians even showed up twice. But no Ada.
Yesterday was my 2yr Bloggerversary. I didn’t want to say anything though since it was Veterans Day. I didn’t want to steal their thunder. Because I’m patriotic. Also, I would have wished everyone a Happy Veterans Day, but I’m never sure where the apostrophe goes. Or if there even is an apostrophe? Is it plural? Possessive? Plural Possessive? I’m not sure.
I wanted to do something special for my anniversary, but I couldn’t think of anything. I’ve been on a run lately where I seem to be focusing more on quantity than quality. (Not that I ever really produce quality, but when I post a lot at least I have an excuse.) I think I am on the tail end of the run though because my idea tank is running low. So, here is the best I could come up with: you can go to this website, type in your blog url, and it will create a “wordle” from your blog. Here is mine:
I must say "just" a lot. It's pretty big. Though I don't know if that is how wordles work. I don't have a lot of experience with wordles.
I was looking through it and noticed that Ada never even showed up. The whole point in starting this blog 2yrs ago was to bring Ada updates to the world. Overtime, I have gotten away from that. However, I do think with Ada being as active as she is, a survival guide to catching fire may come in handy one day. But still, I thought I would take some time today to let everyone know how awesome my daughter is.
I know the picture on the left looks elongated, but I don't know how to fix computers so it has to stay that way. My bad.
Yesterday afternoon we were hanging out on the couch, probably watching PBS, and my head was turned away from her. All of sudden she said “Hey daddy” so I turned around. She was holding her little miniaturized fist to my jaw so it popped me when turned my head. She began laughing hysterically and said, “I got you, daddy.” I’d also like to point out that I’ve never done this to her, so really it's like she invented that trick. So not only is she awesome, she’s a genius, too.
Two more quick Ada stories and then I’ll go so all of you can tell me how much this blog has improved your life over the past two years.
1) Ada will watch football with me now. Not the whole game of course, but she will sit with me for a good 15min taking it in. Her main concern while watching is the player’s ability to run. In between plays she constantly asks “why the putballs boys not running, daddy?” (She calls football 'putball', she's 2, cut her some slack.) Then they snap the ball and she gets excited, “They running, they running!” Someone gets tackled and we start the process all over again. It continues like this until someone scores, then she raises both arms and yells, “Touchdown!”
2) I remember back before I even thought about being married, I couldn’t wait to eventually teach my child to fist pound. The dream started years ago when I saw a toddler give his dad a pound at Niffer’s in Auburn and right then I thought to myself, “One day.” However, just like Ada had to crawl before she could use the oven handle to do pull ups, I had to teach her to give a high five first. But even lame kids can do that, so we quickly moved on to learn the fist bump, then we added blowing the pound up (see Andy Bernard), and now I think we have done what I once thought was the impossible. We’ve topped the fist bump. Just a few weeks ago, I taught Ada how to chest bump. It is everything you are imagining right now, then some.
I hereby vow to post about Ada more because she is 22lbs of awesome and I would be depriving the world not to.
Friday Confessions
I joke on LB a lot. A lot. Too much probably. I’m able to somewhat control it on the blog because I have time to filter. Unfortunately, we hang out a lot more than I blog. Not unfortunately. It’s probably good for our marriage that we hang out. However when we do hang out, I don’t have time to filter and I end up antagonizing antagonizing antagonizing. Most of the time I don’t even know I am doing it, it just comes out naturally. And I admit it’s like 87% my fault, LB makes it very easy for me so she does have to take some of the blame, but still.
I thought I would start doing something to keep me grounded. Starting today, every Friday I’m going to try to admit something somewhat embarrassing about myself. I know it won’t make LB feel better when I’m making fun of her, but it will make me feel better that at least I make fun of myself too. So, I guess it is kind of selfish. By making fun of myself, I am being selfish. We live in a fallen world, people.
This is my first confession. This commercial CRACKS me up:
Happy weekend.
Can you break your neck while sleeping?
I think I may have. Last Thursday, I woke up with a severe pain shooting down the left side of my neck. It was bad. It felt like satan playing the harp using my neck tendons. No, satan doesn’t play the harp. That’s angels. This feeling is not angelic. Why am I writing about this a week later? It’s still here. At first I believed it was just a crick in my neck. But that seems too pleasant sounding. I don’t think 'wretched demobilizing pain' when I hear the word "crick." For some reason I think of fishing? Maybe because crick sounds like creek? I don't know, but do cricks last for a week?
I can’t perform simple daily tasks. I haven’t been able to shampoo the left side of my head for a week now. The first couple days, I tried using a mirror, then realized I was just rewashing the same side of my head. Now, I just wash the right side of my hair extra well and comb it over the greasy parts. My driving is adversely affected as well. I can’t look to my left, which I now realize I’ve taken for granted my entire life and understand how much glancing to left comes in handy while traveling on the interstate. When I get better I am going to look to my left everyday, even if I don't have to. To get to and from work, I have started getting into the far left lane as soon as possible so I don’t have worry about changing lanes until I get to my exit. The hardest part is getting to that far left lane. I just turn my blinker on and give any cars that may be in my way enough time to move. No horns blowing means I’m good. It has worked so far.
The worst part is I somehow injured myself while sleeping. And I used to fancy myself as an athlete. I guess this is what I get for fancying.
3 Hole Punch Jim
I went as 3 hole punch Jim for Halloween. It wasn't that great, mostly because I am about 2.5ft shorter, 80lbs heavier, and have a lot less hair than Jim. Plus, all it is, is putting 3 black dots on your shirt. Even with it being that simple,I still don't think I really pulled it off. Just too different in the physical statures. That's ok, that is why God made Husky jeans. But every one at work was dressed up, so I'd been a Negative Ned if I hadn't done anything.
Since the picture was kind of boring, I decided to take advantage of everyone being able to see where I work. This is my cubicle. I made labels. You can't see them very well now that I uploaded the picture to blogger, though. Maybe you can click on it and make it bigger? I'll try to work on it tomorrow. It's late.
UPDATE: Yes, you can click on it too make it bigger, if you care to see the labels.
UPDATE 2x: No, I am not stoned in this picture.
UPDATE 3x: I had just come from a Halloween party. I did eat some brownies that I don't know who made. So, I may be stoned.
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