I am the pushover parent. Laura Beth tells me it's not fair because the kids will remember me as the "fun" parent while she will be known as the fuddy-duddy. She didn't really say fuddy-duddy, I have just wanted to use that word for a LONG time. But seriously, as a dad one of the hardest things for me to do is tell my children no. I give them candy when Laura Beth isn't looking and have been known to instigate tickle fights while we're reading stories at bedtime. My bad, LB.
In an effort to atone for my spineless parenting tactics, I thought I would list a couple of examples where I have recently had to tell Ada no:
Ada: Dad, can you take me to outer space?
Scott: Oh, I'm afraid not.
Ada: Why not?
Scott: To be able to go to outer space you have to be a super healthy, super smart, and a lot older.
Ada: Ok, starting tomorrow, while I am waiting to get older, I will only eat vegetables for dinner.
Ada: And, AND!!! 2 plus 2 is 4, so I'm already smart.
It was just Ada and me in the car. She had been quiet for a while when out of the blue she asks...
Ada: Dad is this a dream?
Scott: Is what a dream?
Ada: This...right now...is it a dream?
Ada: How do we know this isn't a dream?
I'm still trying to think of an answer for that last one.
For other insights to Ada's profound wisdom, you can click here.
(Editor's note: This is my stock intro for when I turn texts between Laura Beth and me into posts. The below is actually texts between my buddy Taylor and me. We're not married. I don't have a stock intro for friendship texts.)
I don't care what it makes you think about me, Duck Dynasty is one of my favorite shows on television. If you haven't heard of it, it is reality show about a family of self made millionaires that like to blow up beaver dams. It may not be the most refined show on television, but I would argue that it promotes higher values than just about anything else you will watch (i.e. faith, clean humor, emphasis on family.)
Well, back in the summer one of the members of the show was going to be near my hometown doing publicity stuff so I emailed a couple of buddies and arranged for us to go meet him. It was Jace, my favorite of the Robertsons. Of course something happened where I didn't get to go, but my buddies did. And they both text me to let me know what I was missing out on. Here is my conversation with Taylor:
Taylor: 10min from meeting duck commander. Me and Bull have been in line for 1hr.
Scott: Im so jealous.
T: I am 20ft from him right now.
S: so you are probably standing on his beard?
T: Yeah, accidentally. And I think he shaved right before he got here.
S: Ask him if he is housing any small woodland creatures in there.
T: Actually, they did have a squirrel that could waterski here a few minutes ago.
S: Was it the one from Anchorman?
T: I don't know, but it was kind of a big deal.
S: Well, waterskiing or not, if Ms. Kay sees him he'll be stew.
T: If she's not busy with Phil.
S: I think we just described Phil's perfect night.
S: Yall look so giddy.
T: Correct. We were.
I found these texts today when I was cleaning out my phone because the memory was getting low. It made me realize that I hadn't seen the Duck Dynasty gang in a while so I googled them and learned the new season of Duck Dynasty starts tonight! 10/9 CST on A&E. Obviously divine intervention is at work here so you should do yourself a favor and check it out.
And come to think of it, if I ever become a millionaire I would probably spend a little time blowing up beaver dams, too.
Several months ago we started going to a new church. They raise their hands there. Not to be called on or anything, that would be weird. I mean during worship songs. Then, not too long ago I saw this video and thought it was funny. I hope you do too.
For the record, I pretty much hang around in the "Elbow Flapper" stage, but I've been known to mix in the occasional foot tap to keep things fresh. Also, I never sing out loud. The bible tells us to make a joyful noise, if I sang it would be the opposite of that. And the last thing I want to do is the opposite of what the bible says.
I really enjoy this new church. I feel like truth is taught there and they have a genuine love for the gospel. Also, there are a lot people with beards. Mostly men, which is good. But one complaint I do have is the older gentleman who greets you when you first walk in is a limp-wrist handshaker. It's like trying to shake hands with a wet tube sock. And it is the first impression of the church! This isn't a good omen considering you are hopefully at church searching for something solid.
He appears to be a sweet old man who I am sure loves Jesus. That's why I think I am going to say something to him next week. Just yesterday, I read this Tim Challies article where he points out that admonition is not only loving, but commanded in scripture. And the last thing I want to do is the opposite of what the bible says.
The church greeter's handshake form may be the most underrated, never spoken about factor a visitor's decision to return to the church hinges on. In fact, pastors or church planters that might be reading, you should probably hold an Emergency Handshaking Boot Camp for all the greeters in your church ASAP. You can use this post from the now defunct Dr. Awesome site to guide the itinerary.
Guys, we may have just blown the doors off one of the most crippling problems in the church of modern America. I'm not going to lie, it feels good. If you were here, I would give every one of you a congratulatory firm-wrist handshake.
Do you ever do the opposite of what the bible says?
I made a youtube!
3yrs ago last Thursday John came home from the NICU. While he was there, he had a NICU friend named Roger. I posted about him once, but all that is irrelevant. Last week, in an act of vengeance, John challenged NICU to a dance off and won. Mostly because he is awesome, but a little because NICU doesn’t have legs.
And yes, I posted this pretty much word for word last week on facebook, but I am posting it again hear because I am a lazy, lazy blogger. I'm sorry.
Last Monday was Martin Luther King, Jr Day. Also on last Monday, I listened to a Jay Z CD on my commute home. Correlation doesn't always imply causation, but this time it did. I am pretty sure one of Jay Z's songs had a xylophone in it. I wondered how a song I did with a xylophone in it would sound? Probably not the same as Jay Z's. Another one of his songs mentioned something about 30 being the new 20. I don't really know what that means, unless he is talking about weight. I have gained about 30lbs since I was 20. Though I did lose 8lbs in the month of January, so look out Ryan Gosling, here I come.
LB and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage come this April. In those seven years, we've experienced both good times as well as hard times that have all contributed in forging a strong union between us that is bound together by trust, covenantal love, and Netflix streaming.
Netflix streaming has played an intricate part in our marriage over the last several years. We have shared many laughs and many tears because of it. True, some of that was me laughing at LB's tears over a tv show, but still, they were shared nonetheless. A couple weeks ago we finished watching The Wonder Years (Side note: It has stood the test of time, we both give it a thumbs up.) and we were stuck with one of our marriage's most reoccurring issues: "What do we watch next?"
LB was insistent on The Office and I couldn't find anything better so we went for it. I was hesitant because these days The Office isn't what it used to be. I think it is common knowledge that it has been dying a slow painful death for the last 4 or 5 seasons.
The Office has become a lot like my 8th grade girlfriend. When I first met her, she was from a different town so I wasn't very familiar with her, I wasn't accustomed to her style, and honestly, I didn't really like her very much. I still hung out with her a couple times though and then one day, she kissed me. Suddenly, I liked her a lot. I REALLY liked her for a few seasons. Those were happy times where we laughed together and I would tell anyone who would listen how wonderful she was. Then one day the subject of marriage came up (See: Jim and Pam. More importantly, regarding my analogy...8TH GRADE!) and things took a turn for the worse. It was never the same after that. There was still the occasional bright spot, but for the most part it was downhill on rollerskates. I wanted to call it quits, cut it off while everyone had their dignity, but she WOULD NOT GO AWAY. Finally, we broke up. I can't remember exactly how, but given the fact that it was 8th grade, I probably just didn't answer the phone anymore.
This is The Office's final season, so in few months we will break up, too. Thankfully, Parks and Recreation, one of my ALL TIME favorite sitcoms, is still going strong so I won't miss The Office when that time comes. But as LB and I have been going through those first few seasons, I was reminded of how great The Office used to be back in its prime. Just last night we watched my all time favorite episode, "The Injury". That's the episode where Michael burns his foot on his George Foreman grill.
That is when I decided I wanted to pay a quick homage to the show. Remember the good ol' days. I think back to the show's glory days, one of the best things the show did was the conference room scenes. Bring all those guys together in one room and hilarity is sure to ensue. So I will close with one of my favorite conference room scenes, the Whoever vs. Whomever debate.
For the record, Laura Beth is my Parks and Recreation.
As we all know, I didn't do much on the internet last year, especially around here. However, I did show up randomly in a couple other web places:
-I was in a Tripp and Tyler video. It came out last February and was about Super Bowl party etiquette. Given the fact that I am an Atlanta Falcons/Alabama fan, I don't want to say anything about football right now. ESPECIALLY ABOUT TONIGHT. OMGOMGOMG!!!! Anyway, here is the video:
-Also sometime last year, I guest posted for Jared Hollier at jaredhollier.com. My guest post was back when he used to be Badly Drawn Bible so I drew a bible picture badly for him. It was originally one of my white board illustrations from back when LB and I used to work in the church nursery once a month and I would make these amazing, elaborate drawings that would coincide with what LB taught and help explain the point of the verses we were studying. I would be so proud of myself and the work I had done until I turned around and saw LB standing there with her hands on her hips giving me the stink eye and saying things like, "They're 3yrs old, can you just. draw. a. square?" Whatever, Laura Beth, you're never too young to appreciate some good art.
Anyway, my guest drawing was about Palm Sunday. You can go see it here. I also sent him the one below but I don’t think he ever used it and I have no idea why. It’s about the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18.
|Yes, I know I misspelled scepter, but to my credit the whiteboard did not have spellcheck. Plus, they were 3, they might appreciate good art, but they can't spell.|
Here's the thing, we made this bet a long time and I don't think Jared even remembers it. So, my plan is to never mention it to him again UNLESS both of our teams DO go and the Falcons DO win. Then I will send Jared a bill for what the gas would have cost me. If the scenario I laid out does not unfold as I described, the bet will never be mentioned again. Though I don't really know if this plan will hold up in the court of law should Jared happen to challenge it. The only thing I know about the legal system I learned from watching Judge Judy when I was unemployed back in 2011. Fingers crossed.
Also, please don't remind Jared.
New Year, everyone! I know what you are thinking WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?
JUST STAY GONE. And I get it, I know that I should stop trying
because it is just sad at this point. I post and am like "Hey guys, guess
what? I didn’t quit blogging! Yay!!" Then go several months without
posting anything and then come back and am like "Hey guys, guess what? I
didn’t quit blogging! Yay!!" Then go several months without posting. Rinse
and repeat, ad nauseum. Pathetic, right?
But the truth is, I just can't bring myself to quit. I really want to blog. So, this is me giving it one more shot. If I go for an extended time without posting, I promise I will hang it up for good and stop all this on again off again mess. This is me being transparent, guys.
But I am pretty sure the Wal-Mart Supercenter drove all the other grocery stores out of business back in 1999. So, citizens of Guntersville, Alabama, you can blame the Wal-Mart Supercenter for not being able to play laser tag while grocery shopping. Sure you get everyday produce and toiletries at exceptional values, but NO LASER TAG. Was that trade off really worth it?
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills that I have acquired mostly while enjoying air conditioning. Skills that make me a nightmare for people who break my air conditioning. If you fix my AC right now that will be the end of it; I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kick you in the crotch then hurriedly run away before you have a chance to get up.”*
*Actual Liam Neeson quote from the movie Taken. Possibly paraphrased.
Seriously though, I wanted to warn all of you about this so you could booby trap your AC units or something. Maybe set a milk jug full of pennies on top of your units. That way the thief will be all “Oh, I will just take this jug of copper money rather than going through the trouble of breaking this air conditioning unit.” Because I think even thieves can be reasonable too if given the opportunity.
However, this is risky because I am pretty sure pennies are not even of made copper anymore which means they may not be a temptation to the thief at all, only proving how worthless pennies really are. If pennies can't avert burglars from breaking your air conditioning unit, do they even serve a purpose?
No matter what pennies are made of, chances are the thief will take your milk jug of pennies and steal your copper wiring. But the joke is really on them because you can put one of those paint ball things in your jug that explodes when the jug is opened. Like banks do. Then they will get arrested for being painted. I think that is how the judicial system works. Don't quote me on that though.
But for real, y'all, please don’t break my AC unit. It’s hot.
Fast forward about ten years later to this morning’s breakfast. Last night we loaded the family into the car, went to Burger King, and spent the night giving baths and tucking in. It was fun. It always is. This morning I woke up to Ada yelling, “Daddy, where are you, Daddy?” so I shuffled sleepy-eyed into her bedroom and took her down stairs to find something for breakfast. This morning I hit the jackpot. I ended up eating strawberry yogurt and granola out of a mini Little Princess bowl as I was walking around the living room with Ada sitting on my foot holding onto my leg. This is fatherhood.
I wouldn't go back if I could.
Do you like hamburgers?
In retrospect, I would have slid the text more to the right so you could actually see Jesus. But editing text boxes in MS Paint is tough. This exactly the type of stuff you wouldn't have to worry about if you buy something from Sarah.
Also, I would have changed it to Footprints on the Rainbow since rainbows are technically colored water so that would make the whole thing very biblical, but I didn't think about that until just now and like I said, editing text boxes in MS Paint is hard.
What do you want to be when you grow up?